The Next Steps

It has been 11 days since my last cancer treatment!!  YAY!!  I still have neuropothy in my hands and feet, still don't taste things quite so right, and still get an upset stomach.  But I know that will slowly get better in the coming weeks. 

I met with my plastic surgeon to discuss the steps I need to take for the whole "mastectomy/ reconstruction" stuff yesterday.  We discussed that I would have a double nipple sparring mastectomy.  Also because I was not "fat" enough I would have to have implants and have a two step procedure where they would put a expander in first called AlloDerm.  However, due to my plastic surgeon working at Georgetown and my cancer surgeon working at Fairfax I ended up adding an extra step into my procedure.  I have to set up an appointment to see a new cancer surgeon at Georgetown who will do the mastectomy.  This appointment is now set up for Dec 10th.  (Hopefully even though this appointment is that late I can still have the surgery in the month of December.)

I am still seeing my cancer surgeon this Thursday, the 29th as well and letting her know what is happening.  I am sure I will have to get scans to see what happened to the cancer, but I will update you when I know all that. 

Well that is it for now.....just lots of doctors appointments, and lots of craziness!!  I just want it to be over with....but I know, it is an ongoing process....especially with me having to go every three weeks for Herceptin, and taking Tamoxifen for 5 years.

The Final Chemo Treatment

Today I had my Final Chemo Treatment!!!  Yay!!!  These past 3 months have gone by soooo fast! I can not believe it.  I am so excited!!  Just need to get over this one week hump of super bad feelings after the chemo and I can manage the other two weeks before my hair starts to grow back. 

 

 

I have a meeting set up with my plastic surgeon in 10 days, so hopefully by the end of the year that can be taken care of.  I will also have to go back every three weeks for Herceptin, but my oncologist said there is no side effects from this and I can go back to eating and doing all those things I had to stop doing.  (Sushi, manicure pedicures, Indian Buffets, Brunch Buffets, etc)  :-)  And as mentioned my hair will start to grow back!!!  I am so excited to have my hair grow back and see what color and style it comes back as!!

 

I still need to contact my Cancer doctor to see what tests need to be run, and will do that Monday, so hopefully I can get that in before my appointment before my surgeon sees me, so nothing will mess up surgery.  I will let everyone know the plans.  I would like to start off 2013, with a FRESH start!!  Be Cancer Free, with new boobies!!! 

 

Thanks again for everyone's support!! I meet some of you recently who have supported me who are new friends and it is great!!!  Can't wait to meet a few more of you!!  A positive attitude sure has helped a lot!!  It has passed the time and made me forget about the struggles.

 

Here is to a good quick week and three week period until my hair grows back!!  YAY!!!!

 





The Best Defense is a Good Offense

This was the statement I was thinking about as I went to bed last night.  It was a bad football weekend yet again for the Virginia Tech HOKIES, which many of you know I am a proud supporter of, and always will be.  No matter whether they win or lose, I love Virginnia Tech and The HOKIES.  The Hokies Football team in the past and even now has relied on their defense and even one, two, or three really good players.  Infact at one time they had one of the top defenses in the country.  The offensive team as a whole has never been "great."  They will need to step up their game to win a game and to be a better football program overall. 

This statement can be true about life in general.  Offensive = Prevention.  If we look at doing things preventively, then on the back end we won't have to pick up the pieces so much.  If we do more ground work teaching, educating, have better nutrition, exercise, spirituality, cleanliness, vacciness, medical care, etc. people in our country would be healtier, happier and have more and better jobs.  (Not meant to be a political rant.)  Understanding at the same time that to do preventative work may be costly, more work and perhaps stressful at this time because of the circcumstances we are in.  But in the long run it could be woth it.  We have to get over hurdles and obsticles to reach our ultimate goal rather than (putting bandaids on things).  Like My Hokies, maybe to make changes they need to fire a coach or two, which may be a hard thing.  Or it might be having a losing season or two and not going to a a few bowl games, which fans may be upset about.  Or it might be about both in addition to recruiting more players training them and seeing them grow.  But if that is what it takes to build a good offense, and build a good team, then, do it for the outcome, not what pain and agony in the moment.  It's about the long term gains.  Not the immediate losses or the fears of "what ifs."

Sooo.... I say all this....as I have fears...and thoughts about what to do for the future.  On October 2, 3 days leading up to my last treatment, treatment #4, I was given some information to think about how I might want to proceed after chemotherapy was over.   (So what am I talking about you ask?)  Due to insurance reasons don't want to write specifics, but what I can say is that I have a higher liklihood of reoccurance of breast cancer than the general population in the next five years and in my lifetime, as well as a higher risk for ovarian and pancreatic cancer than the general population.  This news hit hit me pretty hard and that is why I have not written. I have been thinking about my options and talking with different people.  But like my title says, "The Best Defense is a Good Offense"   I am choosing to take the offensive strategy.  I have pretty much made up my mind, as soon as I am able to, to have a double masectomy, to lower to risk of reoccurance to the lowest it can possibly be.  I have already seen a wonderful breast plastic surgeon a month or so ago, whom I have known my whole life.  So I am comfortable with him giving me beautiful new breasts. My life is more important than my breasts, as much as I love my breasts.  But it is hard to think that I have to go through all of this and have to lose my breasts too. BUT, I want to live until I am 100.  I want to get married have children and see my grandchildren. I don't need to do that with my original breasts. 

I will try and find out more about the particulars and details about the timeline when I have my appointment with the RN who fills in for my Oncologist on Thursday.

Can I Get a Good Day?

So most of you have not heard from me in the past several days.  I have been very under the weather.  Nauseted, throwing up and headaed to the clinic Monday - Today to get meds and rehydrated, and it is scheduled until Friday.  It all started Sunday afternoon.  I was granted with a great Sat watching the HOKIES lose.  No throwing up last night, but still ubber nauseated!

So that's it my friends.  I have been sick, sleeping or well throwing up.

Half way there.....

Wasn't that in a song?? Haha....My friend Clay wished me well this morning saying just that about the treatment day and it made me smile. I have been thinking about this treatment day all week, wondering what it will bring. How I will handle it. I want to count down the treatment days, but I am also petrified as to the aftermath of each one!! Especially when I have things I want to do afterwards. Like go to Bebe's Birthday Party, Thanksgiving dinner, go to Virginia Tech football games, or GASP, WORK!! Golly Gee!! They are all, well except work, at least week after my treatments. To be honest I love my job again. I have a great woman I work with/ for. A wonderful and sweet office manager. My clients are building up (when they don't cancel or not show up), and we are beginning a peer mediation group from therapists in the area once a month. I feel like my skills as a LCSW are growing and strengthening as is my own self worth and esteem in the process.

I also have a host of new medications and treatment methodoligies to try and beat the nausea, dehaydration, and constipation issues from last week. So hopefully if I can put these in place I will beat the sickness at the head and prevent anything from happeneing!! UGH!! Let's pray I can do this. I always think I am "burdening" people or that it is not that big of a deal. But "I" know they say not to do that. I will try to remember that this time. When I am drinking less....than I already a, drinking less than normal, I should go in and get an IV in the office. So I don't have to wait 7-10 hours in the ER. BC (Before Cancer)I was able to drink 2 - 3 water bottles (24 oz ), and now its about one, maybe a little more.

It's great I have received so many well wishes from people already, it brings tears to my eyes just knowing how loved and thought about I am throughout this whole process. It honestly makes it so much easier to go through. To know you are not alone in this process. I feel bad sometimes that I am not always able to give back to everyone in the same regards as you all are giving to me. I try but sometimes I just do not have the energy. I see what is going on, and silently pray, but It is hard for me to always keep up.

I need prayers for something else. I went to an appt where I am being tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 Mutation. I should know in 1-3 weeks the result. If I am negative for this, it could mean my breast cancer was caused by some other unknown mutation or something they are not sure about. So regular more frequent screening will be the route to go for the future. But If I am positive it could have a host of other implications for me and my family. I am trying not to worry about that now, as the incidence for it is low. I will get into the implications once I know for sure the results. But pray for a negative Mutation for the BRACA1 and BRACA2 Mutation. That would be the best result for me and my family at this point!!!

I love everyone for all of your support, from the smallest hello to the donations of money. Each one is huge to me. They all are important in their own way. I know we all have are own ways of giving and abilities and I welcome them all the time in any ways you have to give. The kids I see, (even though they do not know I have cancer) often draw me pictures, and that is super special in and of itself. I have lots of them still today.

LOVE TO YOU ALL! <3

A trip to the ER can do wonders.

So the ending of my Two Terrible Horrible No good days landed me in the ER, as you all know.  UGH!!!  Fairfax Hospital ER is the epitome of Hospital ER waiting.  It took FOREVER!!  I was checked in at 7:15PM.  And released at 2:05AM.  All for three bags of Saline and two doses of Zofran. 

Lot's of waiting between the triage, then after getting my blood checked, then after getting the first bag of saline before being moved to a room.  Once we were in a room, smooth sailing!!  I saw nurses, techs, and a doctor!!  WOW, he even came in twice!  :-)  The nurses and techs were all super nice once we got to the room.  Gave me and my mom lots of blankets cause it was sooo cold!!  One guy tucked me in like a mummy with four or five of the blankets!  :-) 

Checking out...was told the bill would have been close to $2000.  Thankfully, I have already met my out of pocket, and won't have to pay that.  The two huge payments,  that I already am working on paying off this year and that everyone who has "chipped-in" is also helping me with is enough.  Until the deductible and out of pocket starts again January 1, with my first Herceptin Treatment.

It also helped my spirits seeing all those touching and uplifting words of encouragement for all of you on facebook.  I have such a remarkable group of friends!  Reading everying that everyone wrote, and there were so many of you, they kept pinging my phone made me feel loved.  Made me feel like this:

I really did start to feel a lot better after the first bag of saline and the zofran(I am going to ask my doctor for zofran), but not enough to eat, like my dad kept joking.  You wanna pizza?  Popeye's Chicken?  I was hungry.....my stomach was growing....that had not happened in several days.  But still the thought of food was not appealing.

Tried to go home and took until 5:00AM to sleep.  Slept until 8:30AM.  Went over to mom and dad's and then mom and I went to lunch after she got her hair cut, and then we went back and watched baseball, and football flipping back and forth, while having Popeye's chicken for dinner.  (I got my appetite back). 

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I sometimes am kinda glad I live alone and without anyone.  I don't know.  When I felt as awful as I did yesterday and last night I think I would have been embarrassed by how sick I was to have someone there.  As there really is nothing anyone can do for me.

I was so sick to my stomach, I slept most of the day and then in the evening I was super constipated, along with pain with trying to go to the bathroom all night.  It was a Mess. I was a mess I tell you.  Going back and forth into the bathroom from feeling like I was going to wretch to the other, but that was sooo painful.  And when I felt the need to vomit, it hurt me down there.  I went from cold to hot in a matter of seconds.  I felt dizzy and light headed.  I felt like I was going to die.

Having someone here to see me like that ughh!! I can not imagine.  And what could they do, nothing!  I would want them to take away the pain, but they couldn't.  I would just interrupt any sleep they got. 

Am I better today?  A little but still nauseous.  I got sick a little bit ago when I thought of eating.  NOT good.  :-(

Going on - 2 down.....

SO this is treatment day 2.....UGH!!  So not looking forward to the aftermath.  But knowing the pain and agony the week after is the medicine attacking those cancer cells.  Is a good thing RIGHT??  :-)  I keep picturing and want to draw a picture (although I am not sure I can draw what I picture) medicine soldiers attacking the evil cancer cells.  Killing them dead in their tracks so they can not invade and destroy my body.  They both have fatigues or "uniforms" on with helmets and bayonets and machine guns fighting each other, this bloody war inside of my body.  That is why the good cells get affected too.  That always happens when there is a war.  Everyone is affected. 

I try to stay positive.  I even use my experience in my therapeutic practice when I work with my clients.  One of my clients who I was concerned with sharing that I had cancer I told this past week as she made a comment on my change in "wigs" or hair styles.  Through talking about it and sharing I told her, that sometimes we have to look at the things in our lives that are outside of our control and see what we can learn from them.  We might not understand why these things happen to us, and have a hard time with them, but at the same time we may experience other things we may not have experienced if this thing had not happened and it is something we may have needed to happen.  I shared one thing with her that I had learned so far, and that was learning that I had more people cared about me than I had realized.  SO many of you have shared things that make me tear up and surprise me.  Once such Revelation was from this lady who 8 years ago while I was interning at VT I worked with her.  She "Chiped - in" and helped me, and after sending her a thank you card, she said "it was the least she could do for how much I helped her years ago."  In times like that, with my clients or even friends I don't realize how much I mean to them or what I do to help.  Because I sometimes feel alone and that I am alone and do not have friends or that people care about me.  But through this experience I have learned that there ARE people who care about me and that I have touched other people more then I have realized. I forget about that  because I don't have my friends close by to do things with on a daily basis or once a week.  SO it makes it hard to feel cared about.  Also because most of everyone is at a different stage in their lives than me being married with or without children.

 

 

I also try to stay positive by using my own CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on myself, saying back to my negative thoughts all the alternative positive things.  It does help, it keeps me out of the LOW, LOWS.  But I do get sad.  I know my hair will grow back, that it will be healthier, that I can start all over and keep it healthy.  But seeing it in  abuzz cut is hard.  Knowing the short hair will eventually go too.  UGH, dread that.  I have this ugly scar on my head which makes it worse.  It brings back memories i try to hide from the past and most people don't know about.  It was mostly hidden with my hair and now it is all exposed with the semi-baldness. 

The other question I try to keep at bay, is "why me?"  I have been through so much already.  I have had so much in my life happen to me.  What God do you want me to learn from THIS??  UGH.  I have the belief that "Things happen for a reason." So I am trying to see the good in this.  Trying to see what I can learn and get out of this.  I know there will be...learning about the friends, but there has to be more.  I mean this is a huge thing to learn I have a lot of people who care about me when I have doubt.  What else?  What else can I learn.  Knowing that there is something else, is keeping me positive. 

Well I gotta finish getting ready.  Gotta go kick CANCERS ASS.



Na Na Na Na...Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey....

GOOD BYE.

So last night, was the night.  Eric, my "knight in shinning armor" cut my hair and shaved my head.  It was so traumatic for me.  He was so good about it though.  We set up in my room, I closed the mirror on my vanity so I could not see it being cut off.  I could not look at myself.  I did not want to see it being cut off.  Eric was so gentle.  We saved parts of my hair so I can remember what it looked like for the final time.  Eric told me I looked good when it was all done.  I was thinking he was crazy, as i was sitting there.  He told me that you could see the pattern my hair grows in.  He talked me through the process.  It was cathartic for me to have him being him.  I am glad I asked him to do this for me, rather than go to a salon.  He was super supportive.  He hugged me, and held me when I cried.  He said, "noooo" when I finally looked in the mirror and told him I thought I looked ugly, seeing the buzz cut and seeing the scars from my 6 surgeries.  My buzz hair was soft and spiky just like his.  hehe.  Afterwards, we went to dinner.  I wore a scarf on my head.  It is hard looking at myself with no hair.  I look sick.  I look like a cancer patient.  That scares me.  That upsets me.  I just try to avoid mirrors.  That I am used to. 

 

Can't wait for this to be done with so I can have my hair start to regrow.  I am just ready to kick cancers butt already! 

A little Surprise

So yesterday I actually was thinking i had a great day and was driving home thinking I had a good day and felt accomplished with my clients.  I was going to go to dinner with this guy, who I had gone out with a few times, and had decided I just wanted to be friends with and felt good about that. I was looking forward to being able to get out of the house, especially since I had had such a good day at work.

I get home and unlock the door, when i push in the door I see a package.  At first I was a little stunned and was like, why is their a package in my home, who had access?  But then I remembered they were coming to clean the HVac and maybe the maintenance guy came after the package had been dropped off and he brought it in. 

Well I was beside my self when I opened it to find these totally thoughtful gifts from three of my sorority sisters.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I was speechless.  I am so overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and love people have for me.  Just the little things people are doing is so appreciated.

I love Marykay Satin Lips!! I have run out so perfect timing!!  Sock Monkey is AWESOME, he will be coming with me to Treatment "SOCK" it to Cancer.  The scarf is soo Beautiful.  I have strated to use the notebook to keep track of everyone of you generous people and your addresses. As well as it will be a place where I will write and play dots with my mom on treatment days or write feelings ow what not.  Nail Polish ROCKS.  OH and the pens, black Gel pens, SWEET!!  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them!!

So on treatment days I will have a nice collection of things that will make my treatment spiritually uplifting.  People will probably think I am CRAZY!!!  But I will be bringing  The Sock Monkey,
this bear my brother and sister and law gave me, and this bald headed doll Lori gave me, along with my HOKIE Snuggie, as it gets soo cold in there, and I am always sooo cold I need to wrap myself up.  I tend to wear a sweatshirt and have the blanket on to stay warm. 

Hear is a picture of the three (doll, monkey and bear who will accompany me on my journey.....)

Hair, My Glorious Hair......

So "THE" day has finally come.  I know it would.  I have been anxiously awaiting it.  The oncologist was correct.  I have finally started to lose my hair. The hair on my legs I can pull out with no pain whatsoever... it will just basically fall out.

I was brushing my hair and then ran my hand through my hair and pulled a small little group of about 10 hairs out.  More than you normally get when you lose your hair running your hand through it. 

Me being the sentimental one....is putting the strands from my head into a folder to then transfer to an envelope.  (the last of my hair.)   I have an envelope from "my last haircut,"  which was ever so traumatic.

I am scared to go to bed, b/c I am afraid I am going to wake up with no hair.  I "know" this is not going to happen, BUT that us the image I have in my head.

I am glad I LOVE my wigs.  It helps so much.   I now have 5 very different wigs to wear. 

Eric and I are going to do a "fun with wigs" photo shoot over a few days at some point when we can coordinate our schedules and the way I feel. I will wear different outfits, the same ones with the different wigs in different settings.  And we will do some with my with no hair.  After I edit and process the photo shoot I will post the results of our work and Eric's photo work.  He is an amazing photographer!!  I trust him to do a great job and to have fun with me with this process.  I am already thinking of Business with a skirt and pants, casual with jeans, casual spring/ fall, casual summer, casual winter, formal, Virginia Tech outfit, and one in a bikini.  Any other suggestions??  Anything anyone wants to see?

Another Monday

So I have been feeling much better the later part of this week.  It was rough, Sunday - Wednesday.  I think I have my schedule down. Day of treatment, (Friday), Sat are a little bad, Sunday increasingly bad, and Monday and Tuesday are my worst days. Wednesday and Thursday I am starting to feel better, with Friday and Saturday even better, as Sunday and so forth.  Still having some nausea, but not in the same intensity, still have the dry mouth and mouth sore but the intensity is like a 5% as apposed to 90%-110%.

I wanted to Thank TEAM Jenna for helping me get through this!!  Those of you have sent words of encouragement. Who called who were here with me.  Those of you who sent money!!  Thank you everyone.  I was able to pay off one of my bills!!  YAY!  Sent in the money!  I feel so Relieved!!  I am sending in a payment for another bill today.  To knock off some of it for one of the $3100.  This is so wonderful for you to help me.  It just makes it easier knowing that I can make the monthly payments and still have a life.  I don't have to "just" pay medical bills.  Because that is what stresses me out.  That I have to not do anything but pay bills, not buy anything, do anything go anywhere, just pay bills.  I am hoping that with your help I can do a little of both, but not to the excess.  Just once in a while do something for me, so I can get better and feel good, so I am not stressed.  I save all your money specifically for the medical bills.  When the bills come in I transfer it over to pay.  And combine it with what I have.  It makes it so helpful.  It makes my budgeting so much easier.

Chugging Along

Writting this early cause I can't sleep.  one of the side effects of the drugs....as well as one of my many "isses" 

I am keeping my head up, as much as I can say.  I was going to try and post on Tuesday, my first day back at work, but it was a miserable day back at work and I have been going to bed at 9:00pm.  The mantra I had was "It's all in your head," "You can get through this."  My stomach was weak, achy, nauseous, and crampy.  I was feeling like I was needing to have to go to the bathroom every 20 min or so.  I was sitting with my clients and, smiling, in pain, as my stomach was in pain. 

So for next treatment week Tuesdays after, will be a light day. 

Over all so far, I have mostly been Nauseous, crampy, not really feeling the need to eat ( I have been eating though), hard to get comfortable, have had a hard time sleeping, especially tonight, can't sleep worth a darn, dry mouth dry lips, some sore muscles, and headaches.  (are the headaches different than my migraines??)

I have also been watching the dogs again, so its been nice to have them here to keep me company.  To keep me busy.  They came over Tuesday night.  They get me out of the house to exercise.  Which I need.  Ohhh tummy is calling again.

I survived!!

I survived Day 1 (Round 1) of  my chemo treatment.  It went well.  Mom and dad took me.  I felt good overall when I came home.  My brother and sister-in law came to visit and spent time with me.  It was nice.  I talked with my friends Eric and Denise on the phone.   And e-mailed all of you nice people who surprised me with your generosity! 

Saturday I was feeling pretty good too.  A little tired.  I had to go back and get my Neulasta shot.  Almost got my Luperon Shot (My insurance company approved it late Friday night --it should have been approved Friday ) But they could not get access to it, so will call Monday to try and go in that day to get the shot. 

S0 over all yesterday I was a little tired, and a little nauseous, I took the pills for nausea twice.  I went on two of my 3 walks I was supposed to take for 10 of the 15 min.  But I do not think that is bad considering I don't ever really exercise.  (hehe)  Also my mouth is constantly dry, so I have been rinsing it with Act Mouth was for Dry mouth and it helps, as well as drinking water.  Also I am a little sore, like muscle soreness. 

This morning, still a little tired, not really hungry, but then again I am never hungry.  I always have to force my self to eat.  BUT I know it is more important than ever to eat now.  SO I am going to force my self to.  I am going to get some yogurt with granola. 

Not sure what else to expect, but I am good.  Thanks everyone!!

What a Day!!!

This is Sasha - My Brother and sister-in-laws dog She is adorable. 
Got to watch her last weekend and I might get to watch her next weekend.  Her "sister"
no relation came to.  They like to cuddle, play and sleep.  Her sister likes to cause "trouble"  Which is
why I gave her the nickname "Trouble"  I added this picture to this blog, because this blog was about undying love
and support and caring and these dogs give it too.  Helped me unwind. Perfect Picture for the love I felt from everyone
unselfish, and very straight from the heart.

I was never to expect the love and support I received from so many people today...and it all came from me ranting and raving this morning frustrated with my financial situation due to my bills that have resulted from this "Cancer" and my Migraines.  Like I said I just can not catch a break in the financial department with my medical issues.  My insurance company just sucks....and due to having to have my own, and being denied from a pretty good one when my Cora was up in February 2011, I had to get this sub par insurance with crazy deductible, co-insurance, and co-pay for all visits after the deductible being met (30% of allowable charge until your out of pocket is met.)  CRAZY! 

On top of it, I work with Insurance companies, who are back-logged and have out-standing payments owed to me for clients I have seen in March, April, May, June, and July...well and of course the two days in August.  SMH!!  So that is a big reason I am stressed with the money situation.  I never know what I am going to get paid, when, but the bills keep coming in, and need to be paid.  Not to mention when January rolls around my deducible starts over again and I may need surgery, radiation, and I will have to continue to receive on of the cancer infusion drugs ever 3 weeks until Next August.

BuuuuT let me get to the love part and get away from the stress part.  I was sitting in the pretty nice infusion chair (well as nice as they can be.) The are semi reclinable...push back and legs lift up.  I brought my down pillow, and my hokie snuggie.  I did not put my arms in the sleeves...but I did cover my legs up.  My nurse who took care of me, said she wanted to have me because her daughter went to TECH, and said Once a HOKIE always a HOKIE, and knew I would be cool.  :-) :-) ;-) there.

So chatting with my mom, having a snack or too.  I was checking my e-mail and they were links to something I did not quite understand.  Then I was like...urg?  twisted me head until I read what LORI had written.  She made tears build up in my eyes, at the sheer generosity and sheer kindness she had thought about in doing this.  Lori, as she/ you had said we are kindred spirits. 

Lori and I meet, over 10 years ago at a HOKIE tailgate via a guy I "dated" whom was was a mutual friend of many of my guy friends in the HT's.  She has always had a great big heart and always been doing super special things for those she cares about.  I meet several other wonderful ladies through her and for a few years when we all were around we did lots of "fun" girl things."  OHHH I miss those days.....

Lori Started this Page for me, to help raise money to help me out with my financial obligations so I did not need to be stressed about it.  http://lorihokie.blogspot.com/2012/08/blog-post.html  Like I said I was in shock.  But what came more in shock, an still is in shock to me...is how many people are actually donating and the amount at which you are donating.   I know everyone is struggling these days and everyone has it tight.  Don't feel pressured in any way.  I would love to hang out with you or spend time doing something for "free" like a museum, or go hiking, or phone calls or whatever.  But it is awesome to see people do things like this with people I have not spoken to in a long time, and with people I see once or twice a year or with people I have never meet but on facebook.  I would love to meet you!!  If I don't have a mailing address be expecting an e-mail from me to get your address to thank you.  Because you made me day!!  Everyone who has helped out has made my day!

My stress has lowered so I can concentrate on getting better and resting, so I can concentrate on my clients who have so many problems, anxiety, depression, marriage issues, parenting problems, behavior problem, suicidal problems, drinking problems, etc.  I want to be at my best s I can give them the best.  Because that is what makes me feel  the best.

I want to feel less stress so I can want to want to take pictures....I love taking pictures...but have lacked the energy, from this and just trying to get life squared away. 

So everyone.  GOD BLESS.  Cancer was the last thing I wanted, but it surely showed me that I am loved and how much love and support people truly give to their friends and supportive network when in need.

I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU.  AND A BIG SPECIAL HUG to LORI for not only doing this, giving me earrings, the t-shirts....but she also got me a True Hope Moxi girl (which in time I will get a pic of) who has a bald head, to cheer me on my journey!!

I love you Lori!!!

The Big Day is Finally Here UGH!!!

Me getting ready at home...

It seemed so far away and now it is here.  As I sit here and type this morning getting ready...well before I get ready...as I get ready...it starts off at 6:45.  I have a slight headache.  I did have this one a little last night....

Eric went with to have my last sushi at Red Curry in Old Town Alexandria.  It was pretty good.  I was disappointed in the Spicy Tuna.  But everything else was good.  Why can't Spicy Tuna have real Tuna and just be spicy.  Not mashed up mush??

My parents are picking me up at 10, so I have about 3 hours to get ready and pack up some things.  That kinda stress me out.  Why does it feel like I need to make sure I "bring" enough stuff like I am "packing for a trip."  I guess I just don't want to be "bored."  Especially since I know I have to be there for 5 1/2 hours and I don't really know what to expect this time around.

So It's now 8:34 and I paid some bills with the money I do NOT have.  Have to ask for some money this month from the parentals to help pay for my rent.  I have not had to do that for the last two months, and I loved!!!! that. I was finally feeling like I was getting back on my feet, and then BAM!!  Damn it!!  I have bills I can't pay for almost $900 worth, had to keep my student loan still on deferment, uh what's it now, going on 2 1/2 years now, and have two $3000 hospital bills I pay monthly installments to.  It's Like UGH!!!  I actually am worried something is wrong with my truck, so please pray that there is nothing wrong because I seriously can NOT pay to get it fixed!!! 

I did also get some lovely support from a lovely friend and her husband.  It was so thoughtful and wonderfully appreciated.  The gift will help so much because it just makes me know that you two know how much I need the boost.  Everything you guys have done, especially you Lori has been wonderful.  They words, the earrings, the shirts and the extra gift that John thought of.  Not necessary but GREATLY appreciated!!! 

So now I am working on packing some snacks for me and my mom and dad, as my dad if I am up to it will get lunch.  I have carrot sticks, apple wedges, apple sauce, yogurt, jello, pudding, and cheese its.  And water of course. 

So now Just ready for mom and Dad.  Will update there. 

Mom is bringing me the 50 Shades of Gray Books to read.  I will try my Hand at them.. She has read the first two.  So we will see.  HAHA.  I will have my phone.  I may sleep I am tired. I am bringing a pillow and my HOKIE snuggie.  I also am bringing a Teddie bear.  Go figure.

Love you all and thanks for being supportive all of you from near and far!!

Slightly Disappointing News...But Countered it with a Good afternoon!

Got a call from the Nurse at the fertility place and they were only able to freeze 5 of the 6 eggs they retrieved.  Not sure why...did not ask...but I that is not a big deal.  Like a friend said, "it only takes one."  And this IS only supposed to be my BACK up. I am hoping I won't NEED to use them at ALL. :-)

So today I had my LAST Indian buffet, for 4 1/2 months.  I will greatly miss them!!  I can't have any sort of buffets, or professional manicures/ pedicures (which I got my last one of those on Saturday.) Sushi, or any raw meat. until after Chemotherapy is finished.  So hopefully someone will have Sushi with me one more time before Friday.  :-)  I have had it several times in the last two weeks.  LOVE it!!  haha!!

My little Pin Cushion

So the last week was quite interesting.  My belly sure ended up feeling like a pin cushion.  I WAS able to give myself shots in the belly, imagine that.  I had to give myself shots starting on Saturday July 21 through Friday July 27th.  One shot of Lovenox, A shot of Menepur, and one of Gonal F.  Then I got to add a morning shot of Cetratide.  YAY!!, Alternating sides and below my belly.  It was so sore by the end of the week.  I had to go every other day to get labs and an ultrasoundn done, and then the last three days, went every day.  They 36 hours prior to my EGG retrievl day (TODAY), My mom got to give me a shot in my upper buttocks.  That did not hurt while she was doing it, bt now is sore, like I fell on it.  That was what they referred to as the "Trigger shot."

My retrieval time was 8:00am in Rockville.  I had to be there at 6:00am.  Mom and dad picked me up at 5:00am.  I really did not go to bed at all.  Maybe an hour.  Eric and I hung out from 12:45 until 3:00 and I took a brief nap. 

Today for the retrieval we were not sure exactly where to go  I knew it was the Rockville Fertility Center, but where, the building looked all dark, and there really were not that many cars.  I had to call the 24/7 on call nurse.  I woke her up..whoops!  :-(  I know how that feels.  I have been on call before....A LOT!!!  But.  The whole actual procedure took 20 minutes after they checked me in, gave me the IV and I waited.  Once the injected the anesthesia I was out after saying my social security number. 

They were able to get 6 really healthy eggs from 6 follicles that grew!  They said that was really good.  SO I guess I will take them for their word.  I am sore and crampy.  Tired too.  But that is done.  Now onto the Chemo on Friday!!  I CAN DO THIS!!

Stress, Stress, I need to Destress

So Friday 7/13/12 was a mixed day for me.  Yeah, Friday the "13th"  What a day!!  I was hoping for some good news for my Fertility Treatment, that I could start my fertility treatment, so my Chemo treatment could start as planned, but did not receive the good news from them.  My testosterone was too high and we have to wait until Tuesday to try again to start the treatment.  And to top it all off, my period still has not fully started.  I have spotted a little on Saturday and a little today, but not a whole lot.  I am trying to stay destressed.  I am trying to be relaxed.  But this is soo hard when you want something to happen and it has not happened AND with everything else that has been going on. 

I did however get good news from my MRI biopsy.  It was benign.  Nothing to worry about.  I was not to worried.  Well maybe a little.  But I am glad it was good news all in the same.  :-)

I spent Friday being relaxed after that appointment.  I went to lunch with to ex-coworkers.  I had a great time.  It was so great to see them  They told me that they were going to give me a gift certificate to "Let's Dish" so I can get pre-prepared food when I start my cancer treatment.  This is going to be very helpful for me, as I won't want to cook and I can just pull these out of the freezer and make them.  Plus they are pretty nutritious. 

Then I went to buy one of my Wigs.  OH my goodness!!  They are sooo expensive!!  $750 for one synthetic wig!!  UGH!!  Luckily my insurance company will reimburse $350 of that, but still!!  I will still have to get stuff for cleaning and care for it, but wow!!  Plus I am sure I am going to want another one in a different style.  Mine is about shoulder length in red and blond highlights with some darker low lights.  Looks real and cute if I do say so myself.  :-)  It should be in by 7/24/12.

Saturday 7/14/12 I met with Debi for lunch and that was nice.  She gave me some Arborne products.  I am excited to try these.  She talked with me about how a few others have used these products who had cancer.  I was waiting to hear back from my friend from Canada but did not hear from her until late, so I finished my leftovers from the other night, did laundry, and read in bed for the night.

Today 7/15/12 I went to the pool, our pool had an omelet and bloody Mary bar.  Relaxing, but it was hot.

Biopsy, Echocardiogram, Fertility Testing Oh My!!

So since my last posting it has been a little crazy to say the least.  I have wanted to post, but I have been running around a bunch. Let me fill everyone in on what has been going on in Jenna land.

I had a fairly relaxing weekend.  I went to the pool during the day on Saturday.  Then I meet up with two beautiful girls in Bethesda. (Bebe and Tara) and had a wonderful girls night out.  We had a drink at the Barking Dog.  And then had Tapa's at Jaleo.  YUM!! We met an guy who was very talkative and had an artistic talent with regards to paper.  I personally did not mind him, although Tara did not like him to much.  :-)

Sunday was spent relaxing, doing laundry, cleaning a bit, picking up prescriptions and going to the grocery store.

Monday 79/12 Was very busy.  I had two medical appointments.  I started the day at 8:15am to get my mediport checked.  Everything was okay there.  They needed to make sure it was healing okay.  I asked questions about what signs I needed to look for, in case of infections.  As I am at risk of blood clots.  She said, fever, soreness in the arm, no muscle tone, swelling in the arm and neck. 

After that appointment I had to go to have an echo cardiogram.  This appointment was at 9:40am This is where they basically look at your heart with a sonogram machine.  The appointment was to last about 40min.  You lay on your left side propped up with some cushions, laying your head on a pillow.  97% of the way in to the procedure, the power goes out in the building and the building next to us.  The office is in Fairfax across from Fairfax Hospital.  I was told to wait on the table for about 5 min until they could figure out what was going on.  They were all walking around with their phones using the flashlight apps, it was very comical.  I got dressed by *my* flashlight app, and was escorted out.  They said they got the most important scans.

I then went on to work and had four clients that day from 11:30 - 4:00. 

on 7/10/12 I went in for my MRI biopsy.  Let me just tell you, this was a bizarre experience.  So it starts off like the regular Breast MRI, except only my right breast hung through the opening.  They started the scan like they usually did, administered the dye when they needed to, until they found what they were looking for, and then pulled me back out.  All the while I needed to remain still.  Then they cleaned off the area, pricked me with the anesthesia drug and numbed the area asking me if I still felt anything.  I said no at some point.  The she said I would hear a drilling sound when she was putting the biopsy needle in.  This was different than the other biopsy.  At some point I began to feel it.  I felt burning.  She had to stop and give me more anesthesia.  But was so nice.  Quickly did that, apologized.  And then started up again and it was over real quick.  The put a marker in.  Mary the nurse clean the area and bandaged it, and then took me upstairs for a Mammogram for images of the marker. After that she cleaned the area and put gauze on it.  She gave me instructions for the next few days and sent me on my way. 

I went to work for a consult from 10:00 - 10:30 came home and then went back to work from 4 - 6:30.

On 7/11/12 I went to the Fertility Clinic as scheduled as I had thought I had started my period on Monday 7/9/12.  But it stopped 7/10/12 and did not reappear.  But they went forward with the blood work and ultrasound anyway.  It came back that my hormones were not ready and it might have just been a false start of my period due to stress.  They wanted me to come back today 7/13/12 to check again.  I then had a 11:00 client and a 12:00 consult.  I was supposed to have a client at 4:00 but at 3:00 they canceled because the little girl had a fever.  So I went home early.  That night I met up with a great old friend from high school, Shannon, who is in the states from Canada.  It was great fun visiting with her.

7/12/12  My day started off very nice, I got to have breakfast with a college buddy, Clay before I went to Therapy.  We shared Bagels.  Then I had Therapy before heading to a long day of work.  I worked from 12:00 - 6:00  Three clients and 2 consults.  I had a date at 7:00.  He was really nice and I hope I get to see him again.  But I think it will be hard to explain the whole cancer think.  I don't know how to do that, and what he will think.  Or when to do that.

7/13/12.  I have no clients today.  YAY, except, this week was one of the smallest amount of clients in a long time and that does not bode well with my budget.  I really need to get more clients that (10 a week)  I need 2x that many.  UGH!!  But today I went back to the fertility clinic and my period I think is beginning...and we are set to begin today.  So I am to take the Femara pills tonight with the Lovenox shots.  Then in two days begin the Gonal F and the Menopur shots. 

At 12:00 I am going to meet up with two old work buddies for lunch in Alexandria and then I have an appointment to talk with someone about wigs.  So a busy day. :-)

Daily Meditation 2

{I always thought some people were just born with self-esteem and others not.  The fact is, the people with self-esteem may have learned to develop it sooner than others, and now it is my turn  -- Laurel Lewis } 

In some ways I think maybe I have thought this way.....from what I can remember I have had low self-esteem.  Although I think that maybe we all are born with it, and lose it due to circumstances and how we choose to deal with them, how we are able to deal with them and the support we have based on the way we have been "trained" to look at things.

So once we learn it is okay to live our lives outside the preconceived norm, and how we want, we can increase our self-esteem and be happy with who we are. 

It's hard for me, because I work with several clients who have self-esteem issues, clients my age, older, and much younger, and I tell them things that hopefully can help them see that they can see themselves in this new way.  I try hard to do it.  I know it is hard.  I let them know it is hard. But it can be possible.  And when they do it, they will begin to feel so much better.  The times I do, I do feel so much better.  Things don't matter....like not having a boyfriend, or being married, or having children yet, or owning a home yet....

My turn will come for those.  I know.  But sometimes it is hard.

This Cancer thing is another road block to get those things I want....makes me frustrated.....but I won't give up.

Shots for Fertility

Mom, Dad, and I went to Shady Grove today so that I could learn how to give myself all of my shots prior to the collection of my eggs.  My dad did not want to be a part of the process, so it was just me and my mom.  I learned how to give myself 3 different types of shots that I will need to administer to my stomach.  (I hate needles.  I am terrified of having to stick a needle in my belly.)    I know I will be able to do it. 

All the prep, was pretty easy.  I don't mind that, and am not worried about that.  It's the actual sticking myself.  (I still turn my head when I get a shot, or have blood drawn.)  I can't very well do that this time.

My mom has to do one shot.  She has to give me one shot in the upper backside 36 hours before the take the eggs.  She practiced a few times.  I have faith in my mom.  I know she can do it.  I don't mind my mom doing it. 

Shots will begin on day 2 of my period coming up.  Possibly next Sunday.  UGH!! 

Daily Meditation

The Hokie Bird always makes me smile.....Think Positive!! HOKIE Strong!!!

My mom gave me this book the other day, that someone gave to her it is called "A Woman's Spirit More Meditations for Women" by: Karen Casey. 
I finally sat down to read it, and want to post parts of what I read and my thoughts on it.  Being a LCSW and giving advice everyday, or nearly everyday to my clients, helps me to put my life into perspective and has helped me grow stronger.  Where I was at 10, 18, 20, 25, 30, and even two weeks ago have changed.  Much because of my life's experiences, what I feel has been thrown at me, how I have dealt with it and from the support of people around me.

I could #1 never ask for better parents and brother than the ones I have.  They have always been by my side.  I have heard and seen many parents that have not been as supportive as mine and it hurts.  My parents have had a rough time due to things that have happened to me.  They are strong to.  I love them so much.  I will say this over and over again I am sure in my blog.  Despite the times I am mean and ugly to them, maybe seem like I don't care, I do. 

Becoming a social worker, despite not making a lot of money and being poor and constantly struggling with money has brought me much insight into my life and also has given me an opportunity to nurture and change the lives of others.  Just yesterday, a child I had worked with posted this.. {Having a child is the greatest blessing I have ever received. Not only was it a blessing having my son, it was a savior. Before I had gotten pregnant, I was a trouble maker,When I found out I was pregnant, I had stopped everything. The time I had my son, the feeling of wanting to do things I used to do faded, Not to mention I had a perfectly healthy baby. He was 7lbs and 14oz To this day, I know God was looking out for me. If I had never gotten pregnant, I will still be getting in trouble , I have been blessed. Having my son has given me every reason to love, live, and be happy. Happy 6th birthday Anthony I love you more than anything ♥}  She has countless times told me that I was her second mother that I supported her.  She wrote this to me, and it broke my heart. {I love you too Jenna Duffy , thank you because when everyone gave up on me you did not !! I'm so thankful god put you in my life ♥ }  To have you know, this young lady got her HS diploma, went back and got her Nursing Certificate and now is attending college.  She is married and has three beautiful sons. 

There are many others that have touched my heart, she was one of my first I worked with in Foster care and I am so glad I made a difference in her life, because she has made a difference in mine.

By helping people, especially now that I am in private practice I am really using all of the skills I have know and tell my clients to use everyday and "it really works!!" I wish I would have believed it sooner and stuck with it.  I am using a book I bought for myself when I was a senior in college...and if I had only stuck with it....I might have saved myself some pain and begun to believe in myself sooner.  (Therapy takes awhile, change takes awhile.  When you don't believe in yourself, changing that takes a while.)  I have my good days, I have my bad days.  But I am getting there.

Soooo back to this book....

The quote at the bottom of the book stated: {I will show God my appreciation for the gift of addiction and sobriety but caring the message through my behavior today.}  So after reading the passage about a woman who is struggling with her new found addiction diagnosis and the changes and how that is going to affect her, I thought it was kind of apperpo to me and my recent Cancer diagnosis.  How can I appreciate this "gift" God has given me.  What positives can I take from it.  There are always positives right?  I do think there are if we look hard enough.  I have found that I am as strong as I think I am.  That I have more friends than I thought I did.  That regardless of what happens.  I am going to make the best of it and the changes that need to happen.  (I need to work out, change me eating habits, go out and enjoy life more, and be more positive.)  All of these are positive.  So today I am going to carry that message....there are positives....and I am going to remember them on the darker days.

Loving Support

I have so many loving supportive friends who have been showing their support for me from the very beginning.  People have sent me notes of encouragement on facebook, called me, taken me out for lunch/ breakfast/ dinner, sent me food, cards, made things for me, and offered whatever they have to give. 

It is amazing the outpouring of support that I have been given.  It gives me the hope and encouragement that I can get through this awful disease.  I never knew I had so many people that actually cared about what happened to me.  I don't feel as if I have a lot of friends, as most nights and weekend I am alone. I don't have people to do things with during the week or the weekend when I want to do things.  I used to, but I don't anymore.  I know most of it is that lives change, people move away, many of my friends are married and have children and don't have the time any more, and some of of my friends decided that our friendship needed to end or change where we either don't see each other anymore or can't see each other in the same way.  One of my closest friends growing up is not even aware I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It's nice to have people reach out during their busy lives to show they care.  Even people who I was not friends with before.  I have had a girl from high school, who I knew, friend me on facebook, because another girl, also whom I was not "friends" with, but had classes with, and have become friendly and social with on facebook in the last few years inform her I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She also had been diagnosed with breast cancer and shared her journey and offered to send her wigs to me, which she had planned on donating anyway.  I have also had people's mothers and mother's in law friend me on facebook and send me notes of encouragement and e-mail me.  Everyone's support has been wonderful.  Everyone has their own way of giving and supporting and it is great.  Whatever way you can give and support it is received with a smile and encouragement.

I have been asked by MANY what can they do, what do I want?  Anything.  I am NOT good with asking for help.  I am not good with asking people for doing things for me.  Even though I work with people and tell them they need to work on that.  I struggle with that.  I am a caretaker.  But a lot of it is, I don't know the Specifics of what I want or need.  Generally...what I want or need, if you can, if you are in the area....(Call me and tell me you want to take me out to do some thing.  It does not have to cost anything, just get me out to do something.  I most likely will not say no.  I might not be able to drive, so you might have to pick me up, or it might have to be near me.  If you live to far away, anything you like or can dream of.  A phone call, e-mail, whatever.  :-)  I am not picky.  Like I said, whatever, is fully received with love and a smile.)

Here is something that one of my friends has made for me:

 Notice they are wearing TEAM Jenna Shirts!!

So thank you Everyone for what you have done.  What you are thinking about doing, and all the prayers and love!!

Lunch with A Bestie

I finally was able to have lunch with my best friend Eric....it made me extremly happy.  We had not seen each other in almost a month...due to his schedule.  We had talked a couple times...and texted a couple times more.  But I really needed to see him. 

We went to have Sushi, since when I start Chemo I will not be allowed to have it anymore.  :-)  It was good.  I filled him in on everything I knew at this time.  It was great to hang out with him, as he always makes me feel at ease.  He always makes me feel good.

I reminded him of when I was going to lose my hair and when I was going to need him, 2-3 weeks after the start of Chemo on Aug 3rd.  To give him a heads up.  Remind him he promised me he would shave the rest of my hair.

This was the day after the "crazy storm" that hit here...and everyones power was out.  I had power...so we had to make sure where we went had power.  As he drove, we saw lines and lines of cars at gas stations and he said people were crazy drivers who did not obey the laws when the lights were out at traffic lights. 

Two "OLD" pics of Eric and I that I found and like.....

He is my best friend and has been forever!!  Glad despite all the crap in our lives we have been able to remain friends.

Chemo Class and Follow up with the Surgeon

I woke up this morning in excruciating pain, no joke....I felt like I was having a heart attack, but on my right side...so I knew it could not be.   My chest was tight and I could barely move. It hurt to breathe.  Where they had inserted the Mediport was killing me.  All of the pain meds wore off.

I call my  parents at 6:00am, my mom answers the phone and tell her I need them to take me to my appts today.  I get up and get a new icepack, take some pain meds and lay back down until my alarm is set to go off. 

I get ready, still in pain and 40 min until my appt for my Chemo class, my parents have not shown up....they are usually early for things...and I was starting to wonder what was going on.  I call my dad's cell, and he was still at home. They did not "know" (forgot) that I had the 9:00am Chemo class.  They only thought I had the 11:30 follow-up meeting with my surgeon.  UGH!!  I was tired, in pain, and irritated.  NOT a good combination.  I tell my dad to forget it.  My mom calls back and I end up yelling at her through tears.  Telling her what appt I am going to. 

Feeling incredibly guilty while I drive still in pain I go to my oncologists office where I thought the Chemo class was.  When I get there, I was told the class was across the street.  Of course I got in the wrong lane, traffic was horrible...and it was making me late for my appt. I hate being late.

Chemo class was informative, and I learned a lot.  I was able to ask questions.  I felt a bit more reassured of the process.....despite not having my time line for Chemo set out.  The Nurse who gave the information was super informative and super nice.  She was reassuring, calming, and really was available for everyones individual needs.

I then went over to the surgeon's appt, met up with mom and dad.  That appt went well.  My incision from my sentinel lymph node surgery is healing well.  She said I won't need to see her again until closer to the end of my chemo procedure.  This is where we will talk about the mastectomy or partial mastectomy and pick a plastic surgeon. I know who I want to be my surgeon is what I am thinking....
ugh, thinking I still need to write my letter to him.

Mom and Dad, love them both......drive me to work, after we eat lunch at one of my go to restaurants near my home "The Coyote Grill."  I get tons of facebook messages from my friends, which always uplifts me.  Makes me smile and keeps my spirits hi.  Knowing the support I have, and knowing that so many people are praying and thinking of me.

Another Surgery

This morning I went in to have my medi-port inserted in my chest.  My arm still hurt from the surgery last Friday, my breast was still black and blue and hurt from the biosy from last Thursday.  But I was okay in in pretty good spirits.  Like I have mentioned before, I am an old pro with surgeries and hospitals, having had so many in my "short" life.  :-)

Went in for pre-op, not as many doctors or questions, but similar process as before.  This time however I was awake during the prep-time in the operating room.  I was awake as they put the things on me, and the oxygen apparatus in my nose.  The nurse gave me the meds...and the next thing I knew...I was waking up in recovery.  Shortly there after I was able to go home.  I was not in much pain at time.

But several hours later the pain started to come as the local anesthesia wore off.  I was in A lot of pain.  My chest hurt.  It was awful.  I had to take my pain meds, every 4 -6 hours.  I could not get comfortable.  I had a hard time sleeping as I usually sleep on my right side or my stomach.  I was not happy. 

Fertility Appt

Just a routine appt to begin the fertility preservation process.  One of the steps is an internal ultrasound.  Not painful at all.  They check the lining of your uterus and ovaries to make sure everything is ok.  The insert an ultrasound machine inside your pelvis to see what is going on.  You are able to observe on a screen as they do this.  Kinda cool.  (Mine was good!!)  Awesome!

A New Hair Style, A New Me

Mom picked me up to get my hair cut.  I thought I was ready for this....but I was not.  I told my stylist, Luis at Phantacee in Arlington that I had breast cancer.  He was so supportive.  I have been getting my hair cut by him since 2005.  He has given me wonderful cuts and colors over the years.  He knows just what to do and I have a great relationship with him.

When he took my hair, which was just beginning to get past my shoulders....I have been trying to grow it out....and cut it I just lost it, my eyes filled with tears, and I started to cry.  He lovingly took a wash cloth and help it to my eyes as he massaged my head.  It was tender and loving.  It really helped me so much.  He then began to cut and style my hair.  It was hard to see my hair short.  It is beautiful, but different.  It is sexy, but different.  It makes me look different than I had.

He talked to me about being supportive and things he could do to help me.  It was wonderful.  I am glad I went to have him give me this wonderful haircut. 

Later that night I went to dinner with some great friends.  Here is a picture of the new hair do, with friends.

A very Important Surgery!

Has my cancer spread is the big question.  Do I have cancer in my lymph nodes?  Today I had surgery to see if the cancer has metastasized into my lymph nodes.  This is very common in breast cancer.  Especially where my tumor is located, so close to my arm pit area. 

Mom and dad picked me up super early, as I had to be at the hospital at 9:00 am for pre-surgery.  I had to stop eating 12:00am.  I woke up ready for the surgery.  I am an old pro at surgery.  I was not really nervous.  Not even worried to if they were going to find something. I felt confident they wouldn't.  Well....I think really I was not thinking about the results. I was just "doing" the surgery. 

Pre-op was fine, a bazillion nurses, doctors, med students, residents, etc, came in and out of the little cubicle after you are changed into your hospital gown, given a few warn blankets and a lovely "hat" to wear.  They all asked the same or similar questions.  (what meds are you taking, what is your name and bith date, when was the last time you ate and took your meds....)

My doctor came in, and she was really nice, Dr Cocilovo.  A lot different impression than I had the first time.  About 10 - 15 min after I saw her I was being wheeled into the operating room.  After that I don't remember anything until I woke up.  I woke up to a sweet nurse who asked if I wanted anything to drink.  She gave me water, asked my pain level from 1 - 10 and gave me some pain meds.  She did this several times.  It was here I learned the good news that I had no cancer cells in my lymph nodes!!  YAY, I cried happy tears!!  I asked the nurse if I could give her a hug I was so happy.  I did not realize how much I really cared until then.  Of course I cared, but I think it hit me.  :-)  Another 15 - 20 min I was moved to where I could see my parents and then another 15 min I was able to go home.

Now, I was told I could only eat (chicken soup) afterwards, but I wanted Popeye's and mashed potatoes.  And that is what I made my dad get me.  I ate it too, and did not get sick!!  HAHA!!  :-)
Mom and dad stayed with me for a while.  Then I was able to relax. 

I set up an appointment for the next day to get my hair cut, because I have been told it is better to have it short when you start to lose it.   My hair dressor is awesome and I knew he would take care of me.

More Cancer???

So today I am to have my second Biopsy.  I know what to expect this time, so I was not to nervous.  The people at Washington Radiology Associates are awesome.  Today though, I had to wait a lot longer than usual.  They were behind schedule.  Mary was my nurse again.  She brought me back and went over the same questions as before.  I was ready for the biopsy and waiting for the doctor to come in.  Today I had Julianne Greenburg, MD.  She is actually the Director of Mammography at WRA.  She was super nice and as I talked to her, she actually knew my plastic surgeon who I want to use if needed.  It is kinda cool that all of the doctors I am using know each other and have worked together.  It makes me feel good.  Especially since they all are at different hospitals. 

She was able to see what they had noticed in the left breast and able to do a biopsy on the left one, but unable to see what the MRI picked up on the right breast.  She had said that most likely the doctor will want to do a MRI biopsy of the right breast to make sure there is nothing in the right breast.  I was thinking, UGH!!  Just another appointment.  I am not concerned or worried that there is anything there....I am almost certain it is NOTHING.  I am just tired of all the appts, and the cost, don't let me get to you on how the cost of this  is scaring the heck out of me!!

After the biopsy, you have to go in and have another mammogram.  A couple of scan where they squeeze your boobs.  Not fun after they put a needle in you boob. 

So they bandaged me up, gave me a little ice pack to put in my bra and sent me on my way.  I went on my way to work to wait to hear the results.  (Negative to any cancerous cells BTW ;-) )

My Back Up Plan

Met with Dr. Staffen at Shaddy Grove Fertillity with my mom and dad.....well more my mom because my dad was to embarressed to come back and talk about everything with the doctor.  Discussed my fertility options with him.  He talked about the process and what could happen.  He asked my specific questions regarding my history.  Because I had nothing definitive set up with my treatment start date, he said he would talk with my oncologist and work with her.  Dr. Favret said she felt confident and was comfortable waiting so that I could do fertility preservation.

Another positive notem Dr. Staffen said that because I had two other family members who had neurofibromatosis, they could test my eggs for it and see if they were positive for it.  This would be important to ensure my children if (needing to go this route) did not have Neurofibromatosis.

Freazing and implantation of eggs that result in a pregnancy is a 50% rate.  But it is a chance I want to take.  It is a chance I need to take, just in case.  I know most likely I will either not lose it at all or get it back if I do when Chemo is over. 

I finished filling out some financial forms to help me with financial assistance due to having cancer and felt pretty confident that I was going to get much assistance with this process.  If not, it was going to be really expensive.  But I was willing and ready to put it in my credit cards.  As I was already looking at applying for another one if needed.  Normaly the whole process cost $9500 if the insurance does not cover, and this is not including other testing and office visits etc.  My insurance will cover some of that, but it does not cover the fertility process at all.  I have found out at I am eligible for a reduced cost. 

A Whole New Life Ahead

Today is the day I met with my Oncologist, Anne Favret.  She is amazing.  I loved her.  She was super friendly and went over my Breast Cancer Profile and Breast Cancer Journey in detail with me so that I understood.  So here it is from the latest readings, of the biopsy, mammogram, and MRI:

Size: 1.4 cm
Grade: Moderately Growing
ER: + (good) suggesting a less aggressive tumor
PR: + opens up treatment options
HER2 neu: + (good)  --> acts as a powerful target for treatment
Lymph nodes:  (did not know at the time) *** but now know*** Negative

Histological Subtype: Invasive ductile Carcinoma (most common)

I will be given shots of Zoladex, once a month to quiet my ovaries to help with protecting fertility.

I will be receiving:

Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin (Targeted therapy --> monocloval ab)  (these are commonally called TCH

I will get 6 treatments every three weeks (21 days) for 18 weeks.  The day after each treatment I will get a shot of Neulasta which will help with my White blood Cells.

I will The continue to receive herceptin every three weeks to complete a year.

I will likely lose my hair within the 2nd week of the first treatment.  It will begin to grow back after the 6th treatment. 

After Chemo ----> Surgery ---> Radiation -----> Pill (Tamoxifin for 5 years)  if I go into early menopause they will switch me to Arimidex and Femara.

She also went over the some of the possible side effects of the chemo I will be taking:

fatigue - the first several days following, nausea, hair loss, possible menopause (but it can come back)

She said these also happen with some people but not all of them:

mouth sores, lowering of the heart rate, lowering of white blood cells, mild anemia, numbness/ tingling in extremities, swelling in joints, remote leukemia, constipation, diarrhea

WOW!!!  Lots of information!!  That's going to be my life for the next 5 years?  Wow!!!  I was just taking it in.  I was thinking, I think the only thing I was thinking was I can't have kids for 5 years now!!  UGH!!  (not that I have anyone to have a child with...but it just sets me back.)  I can handle the rest of this....but the tamoxifin for 5 years?  UGH!!  I know it is necessary.  But wow....I hope someone will want me and will want to deal with that.

My Breast MRI

I was sent to have a breast MRI.   I have had many MRI's in my life, so I was not worried about this one.  I hate them, they are loud and they take forever. Luckily I had talked to Chris, my friends sister, who had this done before and she informed me that for Breast MRI's you lay on your stomach. 

It was weird.  I was on my stomach, in a hospital gown pulled to my waist.  Your breasts are laid into this area and you have to stay still with your arms stretched over you head.  I had to have contrast, so yet another injection in my arm.  They had this mirror where you could look behind you when you kept your head down.  It was weird. 

It is hard to stay still.  And the noise is awful.  But the procedure was not painful in anyway....well except getting stuck by the needle.  I hate needles. 

I was told I would know the results by Monday or Tuesday.  Oh joy!!  But again I was not worrying that anything would come of it.

First Appt with the Oncological Surgeon

I did not know what to expect from this appointment or what it was for.  I was going into it thinking this is where I would find out what my treatment options I had are for this cancer.  I had filled out all of the forms ahead of time, and bought a pink notebook and a pink breast cancer pen.  I decorated my notebook with stickers of stars, hearts, angels, butterflies, and crosses.  It is my Breast Cancer Notebook where I can put all the information and keep everything together. 

My mom and dad came to the appointment with me.  They met me at the office.  Going into see Dr. Cocilovo was the first time I cried as a result of this diagnosis.  She was going over the probable treatment and the procedures and meetings I needed to still set up.  When she was talking she told me that due to the Chemo that I was most likely going to become infertile.  This is when I lost it.  I just started crying.  I can deal with Cancer.  I can deal with all the appointments and the pain, etc.  But I did not want to become infertile. 

Ever since I  can remember, more than anything I want in my life is to be able to have my own birth child.  I did not want to lose that opportunity because of this.  I know that I could always adopt.  I was an adoption placement worker for goodness sake, I also wrote home studies for other people who wanted to adopt.  Those children are special and those families are special.  But I did not want to lose this opportunity to give birth and raise a child from birth. Adopting an infant would be rare and too hard.  I know, I have been on the placement side.

I left the meeting overwhelmed, and not sure I liked the treatment procedure.  I felt it was to aggressive given the fact that we did not know it was in my lymph nodes or not, and that most people I talked to had surgery first and then chemo, or no chemo at all.  No chemo would protect my fertility. 

I looked up more information on the web, called friends, ended up working on trying to schedule a second opinion appt with the Doctors at Georgetown.  They needed all of my records and notes from the previous doctors.  I called and had this stuff sent to Georgetown Lombardi Cancer Center.

The Day that Changed My Life Forever

I was starting my day as usual, today on June 12th.  I had a client I had to see at 9:00am at my office in Herndon.  I was scheduled to see 3 more clients later that afternoon at 4:00 - 7:00pm.  While I was with my 9:00 client I missed a call from the radiologist, Angelique Flourke from Washington Radiologist Associates.  She told me she had the results of the biopsy she had preformed on June 8, 2012.  Before leaving the office to go home until my afternoon clients I tried to call Dr. Flourke back.  She was with a patient at that time so I was told she would be able to call me when she was finished. 

I packed my stuff to go home, praying for good news, praying that it was benign, and that if at most it would be a Neurofibroma that needed to be removed because maybe it was growing to big.  I could handle that. 

I was driving home, and I got the call from her.  I had to pull to the side of the road.  I was on route 50, headed east, just passed 66 and Fair Oaks Mall.  I had to pull to the side of the road so I could talk to her.  I pulled out a notebook I had in my bag and listened.  Not to well mind you....my mind was racing a mile a min.  She said what we found was cancer cells.  She told me I had a form of cancer called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  I had to have her spell it out...one because I was shocked, and two as everyone who knows me, knows I can't spell worth a darn.  She said the tumor was "small" about 1cm in size.  She said I need to call a Oncology Breast Surgeon.  She had given me the name of Dr. Constanza Cocilovo at INOVA Breast Cancer Center.  She was able to give me the number for her.  She told me she would call my primary doctor to let her know the results.

I did not cry, I was in shock.  I think some tears fell, but I knew I needed to get home before I called anyone.  I wanted to call someone right then...but I did not know if I could talk, or if I would break down or what.  I just could not believe it.

The first call I made was to my Office manager Brenda Park.  I told her I need to cancel my afternoon appts because I just found out I had breast cancer.  Brenda is wonderful.  She listened and was supportive and she took care of canceling the appts for me so I did not have to worry about them.

Then I called my dad, as he is not working, having been layed of and looking for another job.  Again, no tears, just trying to get the information I got.  I was also trying to frantically look up stuff on the Internet to better understand what was going on. 

My dad called my mom at work and she came home.  She told me she broke down and cried at work.  I hate to see, or hear my parents in pain.  They have been through so much because of me.  From the time I was born they have had to go through many hospitalizations and what not, through my depression issues.  I just want things to be good so I can not make them so sad.  (I know I am not the cause of all these things, I do feel some guilt, (cognitive distortion), but I want them to be able to relax and not have to "worry" about me and take care of me for once.  It was finally happening until this!!

Mom called when she got home.  Talked with her.  I then needed to talk with my brother.  I think my brother took it super hard.  I don't know.  My brother and I have a good relationship, but we don't hang out.  I know my brother cares about me and worries about me a lot in all aspects of my life.  He always has.  He has stood up for me when I was teased when I was younger.  He looked over me when going out to make sure guys don't take advantage of me.  He is a wonderful brother.  He is my younger, but very mature, caring, loving and understanding brother.  He listened, he did not say much because I am assuming he did not know what to say.  He told me to be strong, not to go out and drink to much, because that was what he would do.  He said we can get through this.  It was at the time one of the longest conversations I have had with my brother on the phone and I loved it.  I try to wear a necklace he gave me for Christmas in 2009, when I was really depressed, as much as I can, as it makes me feel close to him, and that he is there for me.  (It is the loving embrace or warm embrace necklace from Kay Jewelers.) 

My dad called my relatives, and I got a call from my Aunt Trish.  She lives in Destin Florida.  She told me if I wanted a break she would send me a ticket to Florida to visit.  I would love to, let's see if I can get this fit in somewhere!!

My Uncle Craig, sent me e-mail.  Very supportive talking about his recent cancer diagnosis, and that he has fought it, and that he is now in remission, and that they originally only gave him 2 - 4 months to live and now they are projecting at least 10 more good years.  He also told me that his mother had breast cancer back in the 70's and she lived into her 70's.  And I should know that cancer treatment is so much better now, that he is sure I am in good hands and that it was caught early will make a good prognosis.

Once I let family know, I sent out a notice to friends on facebook.  The outpouring of support and love overwhelmed me.  It made me feel so strong and knew I could get through this.  (Still I have only shed a few tears, not really cried.  My eyes have only just misted up in talking to my family)

I then called my one of my Best Friends Shanna, whose husband is a radiologist.  Told her the facts, still no tears, still in shock.  Shanna listened she told me she would do anything I needed, even come to appts with me as she is a stay at home mom with her little one Camilla.

I called my other Best Friend Denise in Chester.  Talked with her for a while. She is always do supportive to.  Again no tears.  Denise is so strong and supportive. 

I called and then texted my Best friend Mel, also my big sister in my sorority in Chesapeake, I also texted her husband, cause usually I get a better response from her, when I get him to have her call me.  She called me back within 20 minutes.  She was in shock, but strong and supportive.  Her older sister is in recovery from her Breast Cancer diagnosis.  She gave me her number to call to talk to her sister.  (Mel's family is like one of my second families.)  Mel sent her love and hugs and kisses.

I then attempted to call my Best Friends Eric.  I could not get in touch with him.  I texted him, two times saying I needed to talk to him.  (around 11am 2pm).  I finally just sent him a text to say I had Breast Cancer because I needed him to know, and I had no idea what his schedule was or where he was.  I was hoping when he saw that he would be able to call me back.  Not until almost 9:00pm did he call.  He had been in a conference all day.  He was in shock too.  Did not know much to say.  I wanted him to come over....but I knew 9:00 was late.  I just need a hug.

Having announced this diagnosis and seeing the loving support from old friends, new friends, friends and family of friends, and even from people I was not close to from HS and college is amazing and wonderful.  It makes me strong, knowing that everyone is there for me.  That through tragedy or something tuff, can come something strong.  I am so thankful for Facebook, as I think it helped me deal with the news in a great way!