Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I sometimes am kinda glad I live alone and without anyone.  I don't know.  When I felt as awful as I did yesterday and last night I think I would have been embarrassed by how sick I was to have someone there.  As there really is nothing anyone can do for me.

I was so sick to my stomach, I slept most of the day and then in the evening I was super constipated, along with pain with trying to go to the bathroom all night.  It was a Mess. I was a mess I tell you.  Going back and forth into the bathroom from feeling like I was going to wretch to the other, but that was sooo painful.  And when I felt the need to vomit, it hurt me down there.  I went from cold to hot in a matter of seconds.  I felt dizzy and light headed.  I felt like I was going to die.

Having someone here to see me like that ughh!! I can not imagine.  And what could they do, nothing!  I would want them to take away the pain, but they couldn't.  I would just interrupt any sleep they got. 

Am I better today?  A little but still nauseous.  I got sick a little bit ago when I thought of eating.  NOT good.  :-(

Going on - 2 down.....

SO this is treatment day 2.....UGH!!  So not looking forward to the aftermath.  But knowing the pain and agony the week after is the medicine attacking those cancer cells.  Is a good thing RIGHT??  :-)  I keep picturing and want to draw a picture (although I am not sure I can draw what I picture) medicine soldiers attacking the evil cancer cells.  Killing them dead in their tracks so they can not invade and destroy my body.  They both have fatigues or "uniforms" on with helmets and bayonets and machine guns fighting each other, this bloody war inside of my body.  That is why the good cells get affected too.  That always happens when there is a war.  Everyone is affected. 

I try to stay positive.  I even use my experience in my therapeutic practice when I work with my clients.  One of my clients who I was concerned with sharing that I had cancer I told this past week as she made a comment on my change in "wigs" or hair styles.  Through talking about it and sharing I told her, that sometimes we have to look at the things in our lives that are outside of our control and see what we can learn from them.  We might not understand why these things happen to us, and have a hard time with them, but at the same time we may experience other things we may not have experienced if this thing had not happened and it is something we may have needed to happen.  I shared one thing with her that I had learned so far, and that was learning that I had more people cared about me than I had realized.  SO many of you have shared things that make me tear up and surprise me.  Once such Revelation was from this lady who 8 years ago while I was interning at VT I worked with her.  She "Chiped - in" and helped me, and after sending her a thank you card, she said "it was the least she could do for how much I helped her years ago."  In times like that, with my clients or even friends I don't realize how much I mean to them or what I do to help.  Because I sometimes feel alone and that I am alone and do not have friends or that people care about me.  But through this experience I have learned that there ARE people who care about me and that I have touched other people more then I have realized. I forget about that  because I don't have my friends close by to do things with on a daily basis or once a week.  SO it makes it hard to feel cared about.  Also because most of everyone is at a different stage in their lives than me being married with or without children.

 

 

I also try to stay positive by using my own CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on myself, saying back to my negative thoughts all the alternative positive things.  It does help, it keeps me out of the LOW, LOWS.  But I do get sad.  I know my hair will grow back, that it will be healthier, that I can start all over and keep it healthy.  But seeing it in  abuzz cut is hard.  Knowing the short hair will eventually go too.  UGH, dread that.  I have this ugly scar on my head which makes it worse.  It brings back memories i try to hide from the past and most people don't know about.  It was mostly hidden with my hair and now it is all exposed with the semi-baldness. 

The other question I try to keep at bay, is "why me?"  I have been through so much already.  I have had so much in my life happen to me.  What God do you want me to learn from THIS??  UGH.  I have the belief that "Things happen for a reason." So I am trying to see the good in this.  Trying to see what I can learn and get out of this.  I know there will be...learning about the friends, but there has to be more.  I mean this is a huge thing to learn I have a lot of people who care about me when I have doubt.  What else?  What else can I learn.  Knowing that there is something else, is keeping me positive. 

Well I gotta finish getting ready.  Gotta go kick CANCERS ASS.



Na Na Na Na...Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey....

GOOD BYE.

So last night, was the night.  Eric, my "knight in shinning armor" cut my hair and shaved my head.  It was so traumatic for me.  He was so good about it though.  We set up in my room, I closed the mirror on my vanity so I could not see it being cut off.  I could not look at myself.  I did not want to see it being cut off.  Eric was so gentle.  We saved parts of my hair so I can remember what it looked like for the final time.  Eric told me I looked good when it was all done.  I was thinking he was crazy, as i was sitting there.  He told me that you could see the pattern my hair grows in.  He talked me through the process.  It was cathartic for me to have him being him.  I am glad I asked him to do this for me, rather than go to a salon.  He was super supportive.  He hugged me, and held me when I cried.  He said, "noooo" when I finally looked in the mirror and told him I thought I looked ugly, seeing the buzz cut and seeing the scars from my 6 surgeries.  My buzz hair was soft and spiky just like his.  hehe.  Afterwards, we went to dinner.  I wore a scarf on my head.  It is hard looking at myself with no hair.  I look sick.  I look like a cancer patient.  That scares me.  That upsets me.  I just try to avoid mirrors.  That I am used to. 

 

Can't wait for this to be done with so I can have my hair start to regrow.  I am just ready to kick cancers butt already! 

A little Surprise

So yesterday I actually was thinking i had a great day and was driving home thinking I had a good day and felt accomplished with my clients.  I was going to go to dinner with this guy, who I had gone out with a few times, and had decided I just wanted to be friends with and felt good about that. I was looking forward to being able to get out of the house, especially since I had had such a good day at work.

I get home and unlock the door, when i push in the door I see a package.  At first I was a little stunned and was like, why is their a package in my home, who had access?  But then I remembered they were coming to clean the HVac and maybe the maintenance guy came after the package had been dropped off and he brought it in. 

Well I was beside my self when I opened it to find these totally thoughtful gifts from three of my sorority sisters.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I was speechless.  I am so overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and love people have for me.  Just the little things people are doing is so appreciated.

I love Marykay Satin Lips!! I have run out so perfect timing!!  Sock Monkey is AWESOME, he will be coming with me to Treatment "SOCK" it to Cancer.  The scarf is soo Beautiful.  I have strated to use the notebook to keep track of everyone of you generous people and your addresses. As well as it will be a place where I will write and play dots with my mom on treatment days or write feelings ow what not.  Nail Polish ROCKS.  OH and the pens, black Gel pens, SWEET!!  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them!!

So on treatment days I will have a nice collection of things that will make my treatment spiritually uplifting.  People will probably think I am CRAZY!!!  But I will be bringing  The Sock Monkey,
this bear my brother and sister and law gave me, and this bald headed doll Lori gave me, along with my HOKIE Snuggie, as it gets soo cold in there, and I am always sooo cold I need to wrap myself up.  I tend to wear a sweatshirt and have the blanket on to stay warm. 

Hear is a picture of the three (doll, monkey and bear who will accompany me on my journey.....)

Hair, My Glorious Hair......

So "THE" day has finally come.  I know it would.  I have been anxiously awaiting it.  The oncologist was correct.  I have finally started to lose my hair. The hair on my legs I can pull out with no pain whatsoever... it will just basically fall out.

I was brushing my hair and then ran my hand through my hair and pulled a small little group of about 10 hairs out.  More than you normally get when you lose your hair running your hand through it. 

Me being the sentimental one....is putting the strands from my head into a folder to then transfer to an envelope.  (the last of my hair.)   I have an envelope from "my last haircut,"  which was ever so traumatic.

I am scared to go to bed, b/c I am afraid I am going to wake up with no hair.  I "know" this is not going to happen, BUT that us the image I have in my head.

I am glad I LOVE my wigs.  It helps so much.   I now have 5 very different wigs to wear. 

Eric and I are going to do a "fun with wigs" photo shoot over a few days at some point when we can coordinate our schedules and the way I feel. I will wear different outfits, the same ones with the different wigs in different settings.  And we will do some with my with no hair.  After I edit and process the photo shoot I will post the results of our work and Eric's photo work.  He is an amazing photographer!!  I trust him to do a great job and to have fun with me with this process.  I am already thinking of Business with a skirt and pants, casual with jeans, casual spring/ fall, casual summer, casual winter, formal, Virginia Tech outfit, and one in a bikini.  Any other suggestions??  Anything anyone wants to see?

Another Monday

So I have been feeling much better the later part of this week.  It was rough, Sunday - Wednesday.  I think I have my schedule down. Day of treatment, (Friday), Sat are a little bad, Sunday increasingly bad, and Monday and Tuesday are my worst days. Wednesday and Thursday I am starting to feel better, with Friday and Saturday even better, as Sunday and so forth.  Still having some nausea, but not in the same intensity, still have the dry mouth and mouth sore but the intensity is like a 5% as apposed to 90%-110%.

I wanted to Thank TEAM Jenna for helping me get through this!!  Those of you have sent words of encouragement. Who called who were here with me.  Those of you who sent money!!  Thank you everyone.  I was able to pay off one of my bills!!  YAY!  Sent in the money!  I feel so Relieved!!  I am sending in a payment for another bill today.  To knock off some of it for one of the $3100.  This is so wonderful for you to help me.  It just makes it easier knowing that I can make the monthly payments and still have a life.  I don't have to "just" pay medical bills.  Because that is what stresses me out.  That I have to not do anything but pay bills, not buy anything, do anything go anywhere, just pay bills.  I am hoping that with your help I can do a little of both, but not to the excess.  Just once in a while do something for me, so I can get better and feel good, so I am not stressed.  I save all your money specifically for the medical bills.  When the bills come in I transfer it over to pay.  And combine it with what I have.  It makes it so helpful.  It makes my budgeting so much easier.

Chugging Along

Writting this early cause I can't sleep.  one of the side effects of the drugs....as well as one of my many "isses" 

I am keeping my head up, as much as I can say.  I was going to try and post on Tuesday, my first day back at work, but it was a miserable day back at work and I have been going to bed at 9:00pm.  The mantra I had was "It's all in your head," "You can get through this."  My stomach was weak, achy, nauseous, and crampy.  I was feeling like I was needing to have to go to the bathroom every 20 min or so.  I was sitting with my clients and, smiling, in pain, as my stomach was in pain. 

So for next treatment week Tuesdays after, will be a light day. 

Over all so far, I have mostly been Nauseous, crampy, not really feeling the need to eat ( I have been eating though), hard to get comfortable, have had a hard time sleeping, especially tonight, can't sleep worth a darn, dry mouth dry lips, some sore muscles, and headaches.  (are the headaches different than my migraines??)

I have also been watching the dogs again, so its been nice to have them here to keep me company.  To keep me busy.  They came over Tuesday night.  They get me out of the house to exercise.  Which I need.  Ohhh tummy is calling again.

I survived!!

I survived Day 1 (Round 1) of  my chemo treatment.  It went well.  Mom and dad took me.  I felt good overall when I came home.  My brother and sister-in law came to visit and spent time with me.  It was nice.  I talked with my friends Eric and Denise on the phone.   And e-mailed all of you nice people who surprised me with your generosity! 

Saturday I was feeling pretty good too.  A little tired.  I had to go back and get my Neulasta shot.  Almost got my Luperon Shot (My insurance company approved it late Friday night --it should have been approved Friday ) But they could not get access to it, so will call Monday to try and go in that day to get the shot. 

S0 over all yesterday I was a little tired, and a little nauseous, I took the pills for nausea twice.  I went on two of my 3 walks I was supposed to take for 10 of the 15 min.  But I do not think that is bad considering I don't ever really exercise.  (hehe)  Also my mouth is constantly dry, so I have been rinsing it with Act Mouth was for Dry mouth and it helps, as well as drinking water.  Also I am a little sore, like muscle soreness. 

This morning, still a little tired, not really hungry, but then again I am never hungry.  I always have to force my self to eat.  BUT I know it is more important than ever to eat now.  SO I am going to force my self to.  I am going to get some yogurt with granola. 

Not sure what else to expect, but I am good.  Thanks everyone!!

What a Day!!!

This is Sasha - My Brother and sister-in-laws dog She is adorable. 
Got to watch her last weekend and I might get to watch her next weekend.  Her "sister"
no relation came to.  They like to cuddle, play and sleep.  Her sister likes to cause "trouble"  Which is
why I gave her the nickname "Trouble"  I added this picture to this blog, because this blog was about undying love
and support and caring and these dogs give it too.  Helped me unwind. Perfect Picture for the love I felt from everyone
unselfish, and very straight from the heart.

I was never to expect the love and support I received from so many people today...and it all came from me ranting and raving this morning frustrated with my financial situation due to my bills that have resulted from this "Cancer" and my Migraines.  Like I said I just can not catch a break in the financial department with my medical issues.  My insurance company just sucks....and due to having to have my own, and being denied from a pretty good one when my Cora was up in February 2011, I had to get this sub par insurance with crazy deductible, co-insurance, and co-pay for all visits after the deductible being met (30% of allowable charge until your out of pocket is met.)  CRAZY! 

On top of it, I work with Insurance companies, who are back-logged and have out-standing payments owed to me for clients I have seen in March, April, May, June, and July...well and of course the two days in August.  SMH!!  So that is a big reason I am stressed with the money situation.  I never know what I am going to get paid, when, but the bills keep coming in, and need to be paid.  Not to mention when January rolls around my deducible starts over again and I may need surgery, radiation, and I will have to continue to receive on of the cancer infusion drugs ever 3 weeks until Next August.

BuuuuT let me get to the love part and get away from the stress part.  I was sitting in the pretty nice infusion chair (well as nice as they can be.) The are semi reclinable...push back and legs lift up.  I brought my down pillow, and my hokie snuggie.  I did not put my arms in the sleeves...but I did cover my legs up.  My nurse who took care of me, said she wanted to have me because her daughter went to TECH, and said Once a HOKIE always a HOKIE, and knew I would be cool.  :-) :-) ;-) there.

So chatting with my mom, having a snack or too.  I was checking my e-mail and they were links to something I did not quite understand.  Then I was like...urg?  twisted me head until I read what LORI had written.  She made tears build up in my eyes, at the sheer generosity and sheer kindness she had thought about in doing this.  Lori, as she/ you had said we are kindred spirits. 

Lori and I meet, over 10 years ago at a HOKIE tailgate via a guy I "dated" whom was was a mutual friend of many of my guy friends in the HT's.  She has always had a great big heart and always been doing super special things for those she cares about.  I meet several other wonderful ladies through her and for a few years when we all were around we did lots of "fun" girl things."  OHHH I miss those days.....

Lori Started this Page for me, to help raise money to help me out with my financial obligations so I did not need to be stressed about it.  http://lorihokie.blogspot.com/2012/08/blog-post.html  Like I said I was in shock.  But what came more in shock, an still is in shock to me...is how many people are actually donating and the amount at which you are donating.   I know everyone is struggling these days and everyone has it tight.  Don't feel pressured in any way.  I would love to hang out with you or spend time doing something for "free" like a museum, or go hiking, or phone calls or whatever.  But it is awesome to see people do things like this with people I have not spoken to in a long time, and with people I see once or twice a year or with people I have never meet but on facebook.  I would love to meet you!!  If I don't have a mailing address be expecting an e-mail from me to get your address to thank you.  Because you made me day!!  Everyone who has helped out has made my day!

My stress has lowered so I can concentrate on getting better and resting, so I can concentrate on my clients who have so many problems, anxiety, depression, marriage issues, parenting problems, behavior problem, suicidal problems, drinking problems, etc.  I want to be at my best s I can give them the best.  Because that is what makes me feel  the best.

I want to feel less stress so I can want to want to take pictures....I love taking pictures...but have lacked the energy, from this and just trying to get life squared away. 

So everyone.  GOD BLESS.  Cancer was the last thing I wanted, but it surely showed me that I am loved and how much love and support people truly give to their friends and supportive network when in need.

I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU.  AND A BIG SPECIAL HUG to LORI for not only doing this, giving me earrings, the t-shirts....but she also got me a True Hope Moxi girl (which in time I will get a pic of) who has a bald head, to cheer me on my journey!!

I love you Lori!!!

The Big Day is Finally Here UGH!!!

Me getting ready at home...

It seemed so far away and now it is here.  As I sit here and type this morning getting ready...well before I get ready...as I get ready...it starts off at 6:45.  I have a slight headache.  I did have this one a little last night....

Eric went with to have my last sushi at Red Curry in Old Town Alexandria.  It was pretty good.  I was disappointed in the Spicy Tuna.  But everything else was good.  Why can't Spicy Tuna have real Tuna and just be spicy.  Not mashed up mush??

My parents are picking me up at 10, so I have about 3 hours to get ready and pack up some things.  That kinda stress me out.  Why does it feel like I need to make sure I "bring" enough stuff like I am "packing for a trip."  I guess I just don't want to be "bored."  Especially since I know I have to be there for 5 1/2 hours and I don't really know what to expect this time around.

So It's now 8:34 and I paid some bills with the money I do NOT have.  Have to ask for some money this month from the parentals to help pay for my rent.  I have not had to do that for the last two months, and I loved!!!! that. I was finally feeling like I was getting back on my feet, and then BAM!!  Damn it!!  I have bills I can't pay for almost $900 worth, had to keep my student loan still on deferment, uh what's it now, going on 2 1/2 years now, and have two $3000 hospital bills I pay monthly installments to.  It's Like UGH!!!  I actually am worried something is wrong with my truck, so please pray that there is nothing wrong because I seriously can NOT pay to get it fixed!!! 

I did also get some lovely support from a lovely friend and her husband.  It was so thoughtful and wonderfully appreciated.  The gift will help so much because it just makes me know that you two know how much I need the boost.  Everything you guys have done, especially you Lori has been wonderful.  They words, the earrings, the shirts and the extra gift that John thought of.  Not necessary but GREATLY appreciated!!! 

So now I am working on packing some snacks for me and my mom and dad, as my dad if I am up to it will get lunch.  I have carrot sticks, apple wedges, apple sauce, yogurt, jello, pudding, and cheese its.  And water of course. 

So now Just ready for mom and Dad.  Will update there. 

Mom is bringing me the 50 Shades of Gray Books to read.  I will try my Hand at them.. She has read the first two.  So we will see.  HAHA.  I will have my phone.  I may sleep I am tired. I am bringing a pillow and my HOKIE snuggie.  I also am bringing a Teddie bear.  Go figure.

Love you all and thanks for being supportive all of you from near and far!!