Slightly Disappointing News...But Countered it with a Good afternoon!

Got a call from the Nurse at the fertility place and they were only able to freeze 5 of the 6 eggs they retrieved.  Not sure why...did not ask...but I that is not a big deal.  Like a friend said, "it only takes one."  And this IS only supposed to be my BACK up. I am hoping I won't NEED to use them at ALL. :-)

So today I had my LAST Indian buffet, for 4 1/2 months.  I will greatly miss them!!  I can't have any sort of buffets, or professional manicures/ pedicures (which I got my last one of those on Saturday.) Sushi, or any raw meat. until after Chemotherapy is finished.  So hopefully someone will have Sushi with me one more time before Friday.  :-)  I have had it several times in the last two weeks.  LOVE it!!  haha!!

My little Pin Cushion

So the last week was quite interesting.  My belly sure ended up feeling like a pin cushion.  I WAS able to give myself shots in the belly, imagine that.  I had to give myself shots starting on Saturday July 21 through Friday July 27th.  One shot of Lovenox, A shot of Menepur, and one of Gonal F.  Then I got to add a morning shot of Cetratide.  YAY!!, Alternating sides and below my belly.  It was so sore by the end of the week.  I had to go every other day to get labs and an ultrasoundn done, and then the last three days, went every day.  They 36 hours prior to my EGG retrievl day (TODAY), My mom got to give me a shot in my upper buttocks.  That did not hurt while she was doing it, bt now is sore, like I fell on it.  That was what they referred to as the "Trigger shot."

My retrieval time was 8:00am in Rockville.  I had to be there at 6:00am.  Mom and dad picked me up at 5:00am.  I really did not go to bed at all.  Maybe an hour.  Eric and I hung out from 12:45 until 3:00 and I took a brief nap. 

Today for the retrieval we were not sure exactly where to go  I knew it was the Rockville Fertility Center, but where, the building looked all dark, and there really were not that many cars.  I had to call the 24/7 on call nurse.  I woke her up..whoops!  :-(  I know how that feels.  I have been on call before....A LOT!!!  But.  The whole actual procedure took 20 minutes after they checked me in, gave me the IV and I waited.  Once the injected the anesthesia I was out after saying my social security number. 

They were able to get 6 really healthy eggs from 6 follicles that grew!  They said that was really good.  SO I guess I will take them for their word.  I am sore and crampy.  Tired too.  But that is done.  Now onto the Chemo on Friday!!  I CAN DO THIS!!

Stress, Stress, I need to Destress

So Friday 7/13/12 was a mixed day for me.  Yeah, Friday the "13th"  What a day!!  I was hoping for some good news for my Fertility Treatment, that I could start my fertility treatment, so my Chemo treatment could start as planned, but did not receive the good news from them.  My testosterone was too high and we have to wait until Tuesday to try again to start the treatment.  And to top it all off, my period still has not fully started.  I have spotted a little on Saturday and a little today, but not a whole lot.  I am trying to stay destressed.  I am trying to be relaxed.  But this is soo hard when you want something to happen and it has not happened AND with everything else that has been going on. 

I did however get good news from my MRI biopsy.  It was benign.  Nothing to worry about.  I was not to worried.  Well maybe a little.  But I am glad it was good news all in the same.  :-)

I spent Friday being relaxed after that appointment.  I went to lunch with to ex-coworkers.  I had a great time.  It was so great to see them  They told me that they were going to give me a gift certificate to "Let's Dish" so I can get pre-prepared food when I start my cancer treatment.  This is going to be very helpful for me, as I won't want to cook and I can just pull these out of the freezer and make them.  Plus they are pretty nutritious. 

Then I went to buy one of my Wigs.  OH my goodness!!  They are sooo expensive!!  $750 for one synthetic wig!!  UGH!!  Luckily my insurance company will reimburse $350 of that, but still!!  I will still have to get stuff for cleaning and care for it, but wow!!  Plus I am sure I am going to want another one in a different style.  Mine is about shoulder length in red and blond highlights with some darker low lights.  Looks real and cute if I do say so myself.  :-)  It should be in by 7/24/12.

Saturday 7/14/12 I met with Debi for lunch and that was nice.  She gave me some Arborne products.  I am excited to try these.  She talked with me about how a few others have used these products who had cancer.  I was waiting to hear back from my friend from Canada but did not hear from her until late, so I finished my leftovers from the other night, did laundry, and read in bed for the night.

Today 7/15/12 I went to the pool, our pool had an omelet and bloody Mary bar.  Relaxing, but it was hot.

Biopsy, Echocardiogram, Fertility Testing Oh My!!

So since my last posting it has been a little crazy to say the least.  I have wanted to post, but I have been running around a bunch. Let me fill everyone in on what has been going on in Jenna land.

I had a fairly relaxing weekend.  I went to the pool during the day on Saturday.  Then I meet up with two beautiful girls in Bethesda. (Bebe and Tara) and had a wonderful girls night out.  We had a drink at the Barking Dog.  And then had Tapa's at Jaleo.  YUM!! We met an guy who was very talkative and had an artistic talent with regards to paper.  I personally did not mind him, although Tara did not like him to much.  :-)

Sunday was spent relaxing, doing laundry, cleaning a bit, picking up prescriptions and going to the grocery store.

Monday 79/12 Was very busy.  I had two medical appointments.  I started the day at 8:15am to get my mediport checked.  Everything was okay there.  They needed to make sure it was healing okay.  I asked questions about what signs I needed to look for, in case of infections.  As I am at risk of blood clots.  She said, fever, soreness in the arm, no muscle tone, swelling in the arm and neck. 

After that appointment I had to go to have an echo cardiogram.  This appointment was at 9:40am This is where they basically look at your heart with a sonogram machine.  The appointment was to last about 40min.  You lay on your left side propped up with some cushions, laying your head on a pillow.  97% of the way in to the procedure, the power goes out in the building and the building next to us.  The office is in Fairfax across from Fairfax Hospital.  I was told to wait on the table for about 5 min until they could figure out what was going on.  They were all walking around with their phones using the flashlight apps, it was very comical.  I got dressed by *my* flashlight app, and was escorted out.  They said they got the most important scans.

I then went on to work and had four clients that day from 11:30 - 4:00. 

on 7/10/12 I went in for my MRI biopsy.  Let me just tell you, this was a bizarre experience.  So it starts off like the regular Breast MRI, except only my right breast hung through the opening.  They started the scan like they usually did, administered the dye when they needed to, until they found what they were looking for, and then pulled me back out.  All the while I needed to remain still.  Then they cleaned off the area, pricked me with the anesthesia drug and numbed the area asking me if I still felt anything.  I said no at some point.  The she said I would hear a drilling sound when she was putting the biopsy needle in.  This was different than the other biopsy.  At some point I began to feel it.  I felt burning.  She had to stop and give me more anesthesia.  But was so nice.  Quickly did that, apologized.  And then started up again and it was over real quick.  The put a marker in.  Mary the nurse clean the area and bandaged it, and then took me upstairs for a Mammogram for images of the marker. After that she cleaned the area and put gauze on it.  She gave me instructions for the next few days and sent me on my way. 

I went to work for a consult from 10:00 - 10:30 came home and then went back to work from 4 - 6:30.

On 7/11/12 I went to the Fertility Clinic as scheduled as I had thought I had started my period on Monday 7/9/12.  But it stopped 7/10/12 and did not reappear.  But they went forward with the blood work and ultrasound anyway.  It came back that my hormones were not ready and it might have just been a false start of my period due to stress.  They wanted me to come back today 7/13/12 to check again.  I then had a 11:00 client and a 12:00 consult.  I was supposed to have a client at 4:00 but at 3:00 they canceled because the little girl had a fever.  So I went home early.  That night I met up with a great old friend from high school, Shannon, who is in the states from Canada.  It was great fun visiting with her.

7/12/12  My day started off very nice, I got to have breakfast with a college buddy, Clay before I went to Therapy.  We shared Bagels.  Then I had Therapy before heading to a long day of work.  I worked from 12:00 - 6:00  Three clients and 2 consults.  I had a date at 7:00.  He was really nice and I hope I get to see him again.  But I think it will be hard to explain the whole cancer think.  I don't know how to do that, and what he will think.  Or when to do that.

7/13/12.  I have no clients today.  YAY, except, this week was one of the smallest amount of clients in a long time and that does not bode well with my budget.  I really need to get more clients that (10 a week)  I need 2x that many.  UGH!!  But today I went back to the fertility clinic and my period I think is beginning...and we are set to begin today.  So I am to take the Femara pills tonight with the Lovenox shots.  Then in two days begin the Gonal F and the Menopur shots. 

At 12:00 I am going to meet up with two old work buddies for lunch in Alexandria and then I have an appointment to talk with someone about wigs.  So a busy day. :-)

Daily Meditation 2

{I always thought some people were just born with self-esteem and others not.  The fact is, the people with self-esteem may have learned to develop it sooner than others, and now it is my turn  -- Laurel Lewis } 

In some ways I think maybe I have thought this way.....from what I can remember I have had low self-esteem.  Although I think that maybe we all are born with it, and lose it due to circumstances and how we choose to deal with them, how we are able to deal with them and the support we have based on the way we have been "trained" to look at things.

So once we learn it is okay to live our lives outside the preconceived norm, and how we want, we can increase our self-esteem and be happy with who we are. 

It's hard for me, because I work with several clients who have self-esteem issues, clients my age, older, and much younger, and I tell them things that hopefully can help them see that they can see themselves in this new way.  I try hard to do it.  I know it is hard.  I let them know it is hard. But it can be possible.  And when they do it, they will begin to feel so much better.  The times I do, I do feel so much better.  Things don't matter....like not having a boyfriend, or being married, or having children yet, or owning a home yet....

My turn will come for those.  I know.  But sometimes it is hard.

This Cancer thing is another road block to get those things I want....makes me frustrated.....but I won't give up.

Shots for Fertility

Mom, Dad, and I went to Shady Grove today so that I could learn how to give myself all of my shots prior to the collection of my eggs.  My dad did not want to be a part of the process, so it was just me and my mom.  I learned how to give myself 3 different types of shots that I will need to administer to my stomach.  (I hate needles.  I am terrified of having to stick a needle in my belly.)    I know I will be able to do it. 

All the prep, was pretty easy.  I don't mind that, and am not worried about that.  It's the actual sticking myself.  (I still turn my head when I get a shot, or have blood drawn.)  I can't very well do that this time.

My mom has to do one shot.  She has to give me one shot in the upper backside 36 hours before the take the eggs.  She practiced a few times.  I have faith in my mom.  I know she can do it.  I don't mind my mom doing it. 

Shots will begin on day 2 of my period coming up.  Possibly next Sunday.  UGH!! 

Daily Meditation

The Hokie Bird always makes me smile.....Think Positive!! HOKIE Strong!!!

My mom gave me this book the other day, that someone gave to her it is called "A Woman's Spirit More Meditations for Women" by: Karen Casey. 
I finally sat down to read it, and want to post parts of what I read and my thoughts on it.  Being a LCSW and giving advice everyday, or nearly everyday to my clients, helps me to put my life into perspective and has helped me grow stronger.  Where I was at 10, 18, 20, 25, 30, and even two weeks ago have changed.  Much because of my life's experiences, what I feel has been thrown at me, how I have dealt with it and from the support of people around me.

I could #1 never ask for better parents and brother than the ones I have.  They have always been by my side.  I have heard and seen many parents that have not been as supportive as mine and it hurts.  My parents have had a rough time due to things that have happened to me.  They are strong to.  I love them so much.  I will say this over and over again I am sure in my blog.  Despite the times I am mean and ugly to them, maybe seem like I don't care, I do. 

Becoming a social worker, despite not making a lot of money and being poor and constantly struggling with money has brought me much insight into my life and also has given me an opportunity to nurture and change the lives of others.  Just yesterday, a child I had worked with posted this.. {Having a child is the greatest blessing I have ever received. Not only was it a blessing having my son, it was a savior. Before I had gotten pregnant, I was a trouble maker,When I found out I was pregnant, I had stopped everything. The time I had my son, the feeling of wanting to do things I used to do faded, Not to mention I had a perfectly healthy baby. He was 7lbs and 14oz To this day, I know God was looking out for me. If I had never gotten pregnant, I will still be getting in trouble , I have been blessed. Having my son has given me every reason to love, live, and be happy. Happy 6th birthday Anthony I love you more than anything ♥}  She has countless times told me that I was her second mother that I supported her.  She wrote this to me, and it broke my heart. {I love you too Jenna Duffy , thank you because when everyone gave up on me you did not !! I'm so thankful god put you in my life ♥ }  To have you know, this young lady got her HS diploma, went back and got her Nursing Certificate and now is attending college.  She is married and has three beautiful sons. 

There are many others that have touched my heart, she was one of my first I worked with in Foster care and I am so glad I made a difference in her life, because she has made a difference in mine.

By helping people, especially now that I am in private practice I am really using all of the skills I have know and tell my clients to use everyday and "it really works!!" I wish I would have believed it sooner and stuck with it.  I am using a book I bought for myself when I was a senior in college...and if I had only stuck with it....I might have saved myself some pain and begun to believe in myself sooner.  (Therapy takes awhile, change takes awhile.  When you don't believe in yourself, changing that takes a while.)  I have my good days, I have my bad days.  But I am getting there.

Soooo back to this book....

The quote at the bottom of the book stated: {I will show God my appreciation for the gift of addiction and sobriety but caring the message through my behavior today.}  So after reading the passage about a woman who is struggling with her new found addiction diagnosis and the changes and how that is going to affect her, I thought it was kind of apperpo to me and my recent Cancer diagnosis.  How can I appreciate this "gift" God has given me.  What positives can I take from it.  There are always positives right?  I do think there are if we look hard enough.  I have found that I am as strong as I think I am.  That I have more friends than I thought I did.  That regardless of what happens.  I am going to make the best of it and the changes that need to happen.  (I need to work out, change me eating habits, go out and enjoy life more, and be more positive.)  All of these are positive.  So today I am going to carry that message....there are positives....and I am going to remember them on the darker days.

Loving Support

I have so many loving supportive friends who have been showing their support for me from the very beginning.  People have sent me notes of encouragement on facebook, called me, taken me out for lunch/ breakfast/ dinner, sent me food, cards, made things for me, and offered whatever they have to give. 

It is amazing the outpouring of support that I have been given.  It gives me the hope and encouragement that I can get through this awful disease.  I never knew I had so many people that actually cared about what happened to me.  I don't feel as if I have a lot of friends, as most nights and weekend I am alone. I don't have people to do things with during the week or the weekend when I want to do things.  I used to, but I don't anymore.  I know most of it is that lives change, people move away, many of my friends are married and have children and don't have the time any more, and some of of my friends decided that our friendship needed to end or change where we either don't see each other anymore or can't see each other in the same way.  One of my closest friends growing up is not even aware I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It's nice to have people reach out during their busy lives to show they care.  Even people who I was not friends with before.  I have had a girl from high school, who I knew, friend me on facebook, because another girl, also whom I was not "friends" with, but had classes with, and have become friendly and social with on facebook in the last few years inform her I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She also had been diagnosed with breast cancer and shared her journey and offered to send her wigs to me, which she had planned on donating anyway.  I have also had people's mothers and mother's in law friend me on facebook and send me notes of encouragement and e-mail me.  Everyone's support has been wonderful.  Everyone has their own way of giving and supporting and it is great.  Whatever way you can give and support it is received with a smile and encouragement.

I have been asked by MANY what can they do, what do I want?  Anything.  I am NOT good with asking for help.  I am not good with asking people for doing things for me.  Even though I work with people and tell them they need to work on that.  I struggle with that.  I am a caretaker.  But a lot of it is, I don't know the Specifics of what I want or need.  Generally...what I want or need, if you can, if you are in the area....(Call me and tell me you want to take me out to do some thing.  It does not have to cost anything, just get me out to do something.  I most likely will not say no.  I might not be able to drive, so you might have to pick me up, or it might have to be near me.  If you live to far away, anything you like or can dream of.  A phone call, e-mail, whatever.  :-)  I am not picky.  Like I said, whatever, is fully received with love and a smile.)

Here is something that one of my friends has made for me:

 Notice they are wearing TEAM Jenna Shirts!!

So thank you Everyone for what you have done.  What you are thinking about doing, and all the prayers and love!!