The Best Defense is a Good Offense

This was the statement I was thinking about as I went to bed last night.  It was a bad football weekend yet again for the Virginia Tech HOKIES, which many of you know I am a proud supporter of, and always will be.  No matter whether they win or lose, I love Virginnia Tech and The HOKIES.  The Hokies Football team in the past and even now has relied on their defense and even one, two, or three really good players.  Infact at one time they had one of the top defenses in the country.  The offensive team as a whole has never been "great."  They will need to step up their game to win a game and to be a better football program overall. 

This statement can be true about life in general.  Offensive = Prevention.  If we look at doing things preventively, then on the back end we won't have to pick up the pieces so much.  If we do more ground work teaching, educating, have better nutrition, exercise, spirituality, cleanliness, vacciness, medical care, etc. people in our country would be healtier, happier and have more and better jobs.  (Not meant to be a political rant.)  Understanding at the same time that to do preventative work may be costly, more work and perhaps stressful at this time because of the circcumstances we are in.  But in the long run it could be woth it.  We have to get over hurdles and obsticles to reach our ultimate goal rather than (putting bandaids on things).  Like My Hokies, maybe to make changes they need to fire a coach or two, which may be a hard thing.  Or it might be having a losing season or two and not going to a a few bowl games, which fans may be upset about.  Or it might be about both in addition to recruiting more players training them and seeing them grow.  But if that is what it takes to build a good offense, and build a good team, then, do it for the outcome, not what pain and agony in the moment.  It's about the long term gains.  Not the immediate losses or the fears of "what ifs."

Sooo.... I say all this....as I have fears...and thoughts about what to do for the future.  On October 2, 3 days leading up to my last treatment, treatment #4, I was given some information to think about how I might want to proceed after chemotherapy was over.   (So what am I talking about you ask?)  Due to insurance reasons don't want to write specifics, but what I can say is that I have a higher liklihood of reoccurance of breast cancer than the general population in the next five years and in my lifetime, as well as a higher risk for ovarian and pancreatic cancer than the general population.  This news hit hit me pretty hard and that is why I have not written. I have been thinking about my options and talking with different people.  But like my title says, "The Best Defense is a Good Offense"   I am choosing to take the offensive strategy.  I have pretty much made up my mind, as soon as I am able to, to have a double masectomy, to lower to risk of reoccurance to the lowest it can possibly be.  I have already seen a wonderful breast plastic surgeon a month or so ago, whom I have known my whole life.  So I am comfortable with him giving me beautiful new breasts. My life is more important than my breasts, as much as I love my breasts.  But it is hard to think that I have to go through all of this and have to lose my breasts too. BUT, I want to live until I am 100.  I want to get married have children and see my grandchildren. I don't need to do that with my original breasts. 

I will try and find out more about the particulars and details about the timeline when I have my appointment with the RN who fills in for my Oncologist on Thursday.

Can I Get a Good Day?

So most of you have not heard from me in the past several days.  I have been very under the weather.  Nauseted, throwing up and headaed to the clinic Monday - Today to get meds and rehydrated, and it is scheduled until Friday.  It all started Sunday afternoon.  I was granted with a great Sat watching the HOKIES lose.  No throwing up last night, but still ubber nauseated!

So that's it my friends.  I have been sick, sleeping or well throwing up.

Half way there.....

Wasn't that in a song?? Haha....My friend Clay wished me well this morning saying just that about the treatment day and it made me smile. I have been thinking about this treatment day all week, wondering what it will bring. How I will handle it. I want to count down the treatment days, but I am also petrified as to the aftermath of each one!! Especially when I have things I want to do afterwards. Like go to Bebe's Birthday Party, Thanksgiving dinner, go to Virginia Tech football games, or GASP, WORK!! Golly Gee!! They are all, well except work, at least week after my treatments. To be honest I love my job again. I have a great woman I work with/ for. A wonderful and sweet office manager. My clients are building up (when they don't cancel or not show up), and we are beginning a peer mediation group from therapists in the area once a month. I feel like my skills as a LCSW are growing and strengthening as is my own self worth and esteem in the process.

I also have a host of new medications and treatment methodoligies to try and beat the nausea, dehaydration, and constipation issues from last week. So hopefully if I can put these in place I will beat the sickness at the head and prevent anything from happeneing!! UGH!! Let's pray I can do this. I always think I am "burdening" people or that it is not that big of a deal. But "I" know they say not to do that. I will try to remember that this time. When I am drinking less....than I already a, drinking less than normal, I should go in and get an IV in the office. So I don't have to wait 7-10 hours in the ER. BC (Before Cancer)I was able to drink 2 - 3 water bottles (24 oz ), and now its about one, maybe a little more.

It's great I have received so many well wishes from people already, it brings tears to my eyes just knowing how loved and thought about I am throughout this whole process. It honestly makes it so much easier to go through. To know you are not alone in this process. I feel bad sometimes that I am not always able to give back to everyone in the same regards as you all are giving to me. I try but sometimes I just do not have the energy. I see what is going on, and silently pray, but It is hard for me to always keep up.

I need prayers for something else. I went to an appt where I am being tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 Mutation. I should know in 1-3 weeks the result. If I am negative for this, it could mean my breast cancer was caused by some other unknown mutation or something they are not sure about. So regular more frequent screening will be the route to go for the future. But If I am positive it could have a host of other implications for me and my family. I am trying not to worry about that now, as the incidence for it is low. I will get into the implications once I know for sure the results. But pray for a negative Mutation for the BRACA1 and BRACA2 Mutation. That would be the best result for me and my family at this point!!!

I love everyone for all of your support, from the smallest hello to the donations of money. Each one is huge to me. They all are important in their own way. I know we all have are own ways of giving and abilities and I welcome them all the time in any ways you have to give. The kids I see, (even though they do not know I have cancer) often draw me pictures, and that is super special in and of itself. I have lots of them still today.

LOVE TO YOU ALL! <3

A trip to the ER can do wonders.

So the ending of my Two Terrible Horrible No good days landed me in the ER, as you all know.  UGH!!!  Fairfax Hospital ER is the epitome of Hospital ER waiting.  It took FOREVER!!  I was checked in at 7:15PM.  And released at 2:05AM.  All for three bags of Saline and two doses of Zofran. 

Lot's of waiting between the triage, then after getting my blood checked, then after getting the first bag of saline before being moved to a room.  Once we were in a room, smooth sailing!!  I saw nurses, techs, and a doctor!!  WOW, he even came in twice!  :-)  The nurses and techs were all super nice once we got to the room.  Gave me and my mom lots of blankets cause it was sooo cold!!  One guy tucked me in like a mummy with four or five of the blankets!  :-) 

Checking out...was told the bill would have been close to $2000.  Thankfully, I have already met my out of pocket, and won't have to pay that.  The two huge payments,  that I already am working on paying off this year and that everyone who has "chipped-in" is also helping me with is enough.  Until the deductible and out of pocket starts again January 1, with my first Herceptin Treatment.

It also helped my spirits seeing all those touching and uplifting words of encouragement for all of you on facebook.  I have such a remarkable group of friends!  Reading everying that everyone wrote, and there were so many of you, they kept pinging my phone made me feel loved.  Made me feel like this:

I really did start to feel a lot better after the first bag of saline and the zofran(I am going to ask my doctor for zofran), but not enough to eat, like my dad kept joking.  You wanna pizza?  Popeye's Chicken?  I was hungry.....my stomach was growing....that had not happened in several days.  But still the thought of food was not appealing.

Tried to go home and took until 5:00AM to sleep.  Slept until 8:30AM.  Went over to mom and dad's and then mom and I went to lunch after she got her hair cut, and then we went back and watched baseball, and football flipping back and forth, while having Popeye's chicken for dinner.  (I got my appetite back). 

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I sometimes am kinda glad I live alone and without anyone.  I don't know.  When I felt as awful as I did yesterday and last night I think I would have been embarrassed by how sick I was to have someone there.  As there really is nothing anyone can do for me.

I was so sick to my stomach, I slept most of the day and then in the evening I was super constipated, along with pain with trying to go to the bathroom all night.  It was a Mess. I was a mess I tell you.  Going back and forth into the bathroom from feeling like I was going to wretch to the other, but that was sooo painful.  And when I felt the need to vomit, it hurt me down there.  I went from cold to hot in a matter of seconds.  I felt dizzy and light headed.  I felt like I was going to die.

Having someone here to see me like that ughh!! I can not imagine.  And what could they do, nothing!  I would want them to take away the pain, but they couldn't.  I would just interrupt any sleep they got. 

Am I better today?  A little but still nauseous.  I got sick a little bit ago when I thought of eating.  NOT good.  :-(

Going on - 2 down.....

SO this is treatment day 2.....UGH!!  So not looking forward to the aftermath.  But knowing the pain and agony the week after is the medicine attacking those cancer cells.  Is a good thing RIGHT??  :-)  I keep picturing and want to draw a picture (although I am not sure I can draw what I picture) medicine soldiers attacking the evil cancer cells.  Killing them dead in their tracks so they can not invade and destroy my body.  They both have fatigues or "uniforms" on with helmets and bayonets and machine guns fighting each other, this bloody war inside of my body.  That is why the good cells get affected too.  That always happens when there is a war.  Everyone is affected. 

I try to stay positive.  I even use my experience in my therapeutic practice when I work with my clients.  One of my clients who I was concerned with sharing that I had cancer I told this past week as she made a comment on my change in "wigs" or hair styles.  Through talking about it and sharing I told her, that sometimes we have to look at the things in our lives that are outside of our control and see what we can learn from them.  We might not understand why these things happen to us, and have a hard time with them, but at the same time we may experience other things we may not have experienced if this thing had not happened and it is something we may have needed to happen.  I shared one thing with her that I had learned so far, and that was learning that I had more people cared about me than I had realized.  SO many of you have shared things that make me tear up and surprise me.  Once such Revelation was from this lady who 8 years ago while I was interning at VT I worked with her.  She "Chiped - in" and helped me, and after sending her a thank you card, she said "it was the least she could do for how much I helped her years ago."  In times like that, with my clients or even friends I don't realize how much I mean to them or what I do to help.  Because I sometimes feel alone and that I am alone and do not have friends or that people care about me.  But through this experience I have learned that there ARE people who care about me and that I have touched other people more then I have realized. I forget about that  because I don't have my friends close by to do things with on a daily basis or once a week.  SO it makes it hard to feel cared about.  Also because most of everyone is at a different stage in their lives than me being married with or without children.

 

 

I also try to stay positive by using my own CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on myself, saying back to my negative thoughts all the alternative positive things.  It does help, it keeps me out of the LOW, LOWS.  But I do get sad.  I know my hair will grow back, that it will be healthier, that I can start all over and keep it healthy.  But seeing it in  abuzz cut is hard.  Knowing the short hair will eventually go too.  UGH, dread that.  I have this ugly scar on my head which makes it worse.  It brings back memories i try to hide from the past and most people don't know about.  It was mostly hidden with my hair and now it is all exposed with the semi-baldness. 

The other question I try to keep at bay, is "why me?"  I have been through so much already.  I have had so much in my life happen to me.  What God do you want me to learn from THIS??  UGH.  I have the belief that "Things happen for a reason." So I am trying to see the good in this.  Trying to see what I can learn and get out of this.  I know there will be...learning about the friends, but there has to be more.  I mean this is a huge thing to learn I have a lot of people who care about me when I have doubt.  What else?  What else can I learn.  Knowing that there is something else, is keeping me positive. 

Well I gotta finish getting ready.  Gotta go kick CANCERS ASS.



Na Na Na Na...Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey....

GOOD BYE.

So last night, was the night.  Eric, my "knight in shinning armor" cut my hair and shaved my head.  It was so traumatic for me.  He was so good about it though.  We set up in my room, I closed the mirror on my vanity so I could not see it being cut off.  I could not look at myself.  I did not want to see it being cut off.  Eric was so gentle.  We saved parts of my hair so I can remember what it looked like for the final time.  Eric told me I looked good when it was all done.  I was thinking he was crazy, as i was sitting there.  He told me that you could see the pattern my hair grows in.  He talked me through the process.  It was cathartic for me to have him being him.  I am glad I asked him to do this for me, rather than go to a salon.  He was super supportive.  He hugged me, and held me when I cried.  He said, "noooo" when I finally looked in the mirror and told him I thought I looked ugly, seeing the buzz cut and seeing the scars from my 6 surgeries.  My buzz hair was soft and spiky just like his.  hehe.  Afterwards, we went to dinner.  I wore a scarf on my head.  It is hard looking at myself with no hair.  I look sick.  I look like a cancer patient.  That scares me.  That upsets me.  I just try to avoid mirrors.  That I am used to. 

 

Can't wait for this to be done with so I can have my hair start to regrow.  I am just ready to kick cancers butt already!