Daily Meditation 2

{I always thought some people were just born with self-esteem and others not.  The fact is, the people with self-esteem may have learned to develop it sooner than others, and now it is my turn  -- Laurel Lewis } 

In some ways I think maybe I have thought this way.....from what I can remember I have had low self-esteem.  Although I think that maybe we all are born with it, and lose it due to circumstances and how we choose to deal with them, how we are able to deal with them and the support we have based on the way we have been "trained" to look at things.

So once we learn it is okay to live our lives outside the preconceived norm, and how we want, we can increase our self-esteem and be happy with who we are. 

It's hard for me, because I work with several clients who have self-esteem issues, clients my age, older, and much younger, and I tell them things that hopefully can help them see that they can see themselves in this new way.  I try hard to do it.  I know it is hard.  I let them know it is hard. But it can be possible.  And when they do it, they will begin to feel so much better.  The times I do, I do feel so much better.  Things don't matter....like not having a boyfriend, or being married, or having children yet, or owning a home yet....

My turn will come for those.  I know.  But sometimes it is hard.

This Cancer thing is another road block to get those things I want....makes me frustrated.....but I won't give up.

Shots for Fertility

Mom, Dad, and I went to Shady Grove today so that I could learn how to give myself all of my shots prior to the collection of my eggs.  My dad did not want to be a part of the process, so it was just me and my mom.  I learned how to give myself 3 different types of shots that I will need to administer to my stomach.  (I hate needles.  I am terrified of having to stick a needle in my belly.)    I know I will be able to do it. 

All the prep, was pretty easy.  I don't mind that, and am not worried about that.  It's the actual sticking myself.  (I still turn my head when I get a shot, or have blood drawn.)  I can't very well do that this time.

My mom has to do one shot.  She has to give me one shot in the upper backside 36 hours before the take the eggs.  She practiced a few times.  I have faith in my mom.  I know she can do it.  I don't mind my mom doing it. 

Shots will begin on day 2 of my period coming up.  Possibly next Sunday.  UGH!! 

Daily Meditation

The Hokie Bird always makes me smile.....Think Positive!! HOKIE Strong!!!

My mom gave me this book the other day, that someone gave to her it is called "A Woman's Spirit More Meditations for Women" by: Karen Casey. 
I finally sat down to read it, and want to post parts of what I read and my thoughts on it.  Being a LCSW and giving advice everyday, or nearly everyday to my clients, helps me to put my life into perspective and has helped me grow stronger.  Where I was at 10, 18, 20, 25, 30, and even two weeks ago have changed.  Much because of my life's experiences, what I feel has been thrown at me, how I have dealt with it and from the support of people around me.

I could #1 never ask for better parents and brother than the ones I have.  They have always been by my side.  I have heard and seen many parents that have not been as supportive as mine and it hurts.  My parents have had a rough time due to things that have happened to me.  They are strong to.  I love them so much.  I will say this over and over again I am sure in my blog.  Despite the times I am mean and ugly to them, maybe seem like I don't care, I do. 

Becoming a social worker, despite not making a lot of money and being poor and constantly struggling with money has brought me much insight into my life and also has given me an opportunity to nurture and change the lives of others.  Just yesterday, a child I had worked with posted this.. {Having a child is the greatest blessing I have ever received. Not only was it a blessing having my son, it was a savior. Before I had gotten pregnant, I was a trouble maker,When I found out I was pregnant, I had stopped everything. The time I had my son, the feeling of wanting to do things I used to do faded, Not to mention I had a perfectly healthy baby. He was 7lbs and 14oz To this day, I know God was looking out for me. If I had never gotten pregnant, I will still be getting in trouble , I have been blessed. Having my son has given me every reason to love, live, and be happy. Happy 6th birthday Anthony I love you more than anything ♥}  She has countless times told me that I was her second mother that I supported her.  She wrote this to me, and it broke my heart. {I love you too Jenna Duffy , thank you because when everyone gave up on me you did not !! I'm so thankful god put you in my life ♥ }  To have you know, this young lady got her HS diploma, went back and got her Nursing Certificate and now is attending college.  She is married and has three beautiful sons. 

There are many others that have touched my heart, she was one of my first I worked with in Foster care and I am so glad I made a difference in her life, because she has made a difference in mine.

By helping people, especially now that I am in private practice I am really using all of the skills I have know and tell my clients to use everyday and "it really works!!" I wish I would have believed it sooner and stuck with it.  I am using a book I bought for myself when I was a senior in college...and if I had only stuck with it....I might have saved myself some pain and begun to believe in myself sooner.  (Therapy takes awhile, change takes awhile.  When you don't believe in yourself, changing that takes a while.)  I have my good days, I have my bad days.  But I am getting there.

Soooo back to this book....

The quote at the bottom of the book stated: {I will show God my appreciation for the gift of addiction and sobriety but caring the message through my behavior today.}  So after reading the passage about a woman who is struggling with her new found addiction diagnosis and the changes and how that is going to affect her, I thought it was kind of apperpo to me and my recent Cancer diagnosis.  How can I appreciate this "gift" God has given me.  What positives can I take from it.  There are always positives right?  I do think there are if we look hard enough.  I have found that I am as strong as I think I am.  That I have more friends than I thought I did.  That regardless of what happens.  I am going to make the best of it and the changes that need to happen.  (I need to work out, change me eating habits, go out and enjoy life more, and be more positive.)  All of these are positive.  So today I am going to carry that message....there are positives....and I am going to remember them on the darker days.

Loving Support

I have so many loving supportive friends who have been showing their support for me from the very beginning.  People have sent me notes of encouragement on facebook, called me, taken me out for lunch/ breakfast/ dinner, sent me food, cards, made things for me, and offered whatever they have to give. 

It is amazing the outpouring of support that I have been given.  It gives me the hope and encouragement that I can get through this awful disease.  I never knew I had so many people that actually cared about what happened to me.  I don't feel as if I have a lot of friends, as most nights and weekend I am alone. I don't have people to do things with during the week or the weekend when I want to do things.  I used to, but I don't anymore.  I know most of it is that lives change, people move away, many of my friends are married and have children and don't have the time any more, and some of of my friends decided that our friendship needed to end or change where we either don't see each other anymore or can't see each other in the same way.  One of my closest friends growing up is not even aware I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It's nice to have people reach out during their busy lives to show they care.  Even people who I was not friends with before.  I have had a girl from high school, who I knew, friend me on facebook, because another girl, also whom I was not "friends" with, but had classes with, and have become friendly and social with on facebook in the last few years inform her I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She also had been diagnosed with breast cancer and shared her journey and offered to send her wigs to me, which she had planned on donating anyway.  I have also had people's mothers and mother's in law friend me on facebook and send me notes of encouragement and e-mail me.  Everyone's support has been wonderful.  Everyone has their own way of giving and supporting and it is great.  Whatever way you can give and support it is received with a smile and encouragement.

I have been asked by MANY what can they do, what do I want?  Anything.  I am NOT good with asking for help.  I am not good with asking people for doing things for me.  Even though I work with people and tell them they need to work on that.  I struggle with that.  I am a caretaker.  But a lot of it is, I don't know the Specifics of what I want or need.  Generally...what I want or need, if you can, if you are in the area....(Call me and tell me you want to take me out to do some thing.  It does not have to cost anything, just get me out to do something.  I most likely will not say no.  I might not be able to drive, so you might have to pick me up, or it might have to be near me.  If you live to far away, anything you like or can dream of.  A phone call, e-mail, whatever.  :-)  I am not picky.  Like I said, whatever, is fully received with love and a smile.)

Here is something that one of my friends has made for me:

 Notice they are wearing TEAM Jenna Shirts!!

So thank you Everyone for what you have done.  What you are thinking about doing, and all the prayers and love!!

Lunch with A Bestie

I finally was able to have lunch with my best friend Eric....it made me extremly happy.  We had not seen each other in almost a month...due to his schedule.  We had talked a couple times...and texted a couple times more.  But I really needed to see him. 

We went to have Sushi, since when I start Chemo I will not be allowed to have it anymore.  :-)  It was good.  I filled him in on everything I knew at this time.  It was great to hang out with him, as he always makes me feel at ease.  He always makes me feel good.

I reminded him of when I was going to lose my hair and when I was going to need him, 2-3 weeks after the start of Chemo on Aug 3rd.  To give him a heads up.  Remind him he promised me he would shave the rest of my hair.

This was the day after the "crazy storm" that hit here...and everyones power was out.  I had power...so we had to make sure where we went had power.  As he drove, we saw lines and lines of cars at gas stations and he said people were crazy drivers who did not obey the laws when the lights were out at traffic lights. 

Two "OLD" pics of Eric and I that I found and like.....

He is my best friend and has been forever!!  Glad despite all the crap in our lives we have been able to remain friends.

Chemo Class and Follow up with the Surgeon

I woke up this morning in excruciating pain, no joke....I felt like I was having a heart attack, but on my right side...so I knew it could not be.   My chest was tight and I could barely move. It hurt to breathe.  Where they had inserted the Mediport was killing me.  All of the pain meds wore off.

I call my  parents at 6:00am, my mom answers the phone and tell her I need them to take me to my appts today.  I get up and get a new icepack, take some pain meds and lay back down until my alarm is set to go off. 

I get ready, still in pain and 40 min until my appt for my Chemo class, my parents have not shown up....they are usually early for things...and I was starting to wonder what was going on.  I call my dad's cell, and he was still at home. They did not "know" (forgot) that I had the 9:00am Chemo class.  They only thought I had the 11:30 follow-up meeting with my surgeon.  UGH!!  I was tired, in pain, and irritated.  NOT a good combination.  I tell my dad to forget it.  My mom calls back and I end up yelling at her through tears.  Telling her what appt I am going to. 

Feeling incredibly guilty while I drive still in pain I go to my oncologists office where I thought the Chemo class was.  When I get there, I was told the class was across the street.  Of course I got in the wrong lane, traffic was horrible...and it was making me late for my appt. I hate being late.

Chemo class was informative, and I learned a lot.  I was able to ask questions.  I felt a bit more reassured of the process.....despite not having my time line for Chemo set out.  The Nurse who gave the information was super informative and super nice.  She was reassuring, calming, and really was available for everyones individual needs.

I then went over to the surgeon's appt, met up with mom and dad.  That appt went well.  My incision from my sentinel lymph node surgery is healing well.  She said I won't need to see her again until closer to the end of my chemo procedure.  This is where we will talk about the mastectomy or partial mastectomy and pick a plastic surgeon. I know who I want to be my surgeon is what I am thinking....
ugh, thinking I still need to write my letter to him.

Mom and Dad, love them both......drive me to work, after we eat lunch at one of my go to restaurants near my home "The Coyote Grill."  I get tons of facebook messages from my friends, which always uplifts me.  Makes me smile and keeps my spirits hi.  Knowing the support I have, and knowing that so many people are praying and thinking of me.

Another Surgery

This morning I went in to have my medi-port inserted in my chest.  My arm still hurt from the surgery last Friday, my breast was still black and blue and hurt from the biosy from last Thursday.  But I was okay in in pretty good spirits.  Like I have mentioned before, I am an old pro with surgeries and hospitals, having had so many in my "short" life.  :-)

Went in for pre-op, not as many doctors or questions, but similar process as before.  This time however I was awake during the prep-time in the operating room.  I was awake as they put the things on me, and the oxygen apparatus in my nose.  The nurse gave me the meds...and the next thing I knew...I was waking up in recovery.  Shortly there after I was able to go home.  I was not in much pain at time.

But several hours later the pain started to come as the local anesthesia wore off.  I was in A lot of pain.  My chest hurt.  It was awful.  I had to take my pain meds, every 4 -6 hours.  I could not get comfortable.  I had a hard time sleeping as I usually sleep on my right side or my stomach.  I was not happy.