Stay Tunned

 

Yes, I did Survive!!!!

 

 

This Friday, April 19th, 2 days before my 38th birthday I will be undergoing the second stage of my breast reconstruction for my bilateral mastectomy.  This is not where I thought I would be today.  This is not what I thought I would be doing on my 38th birthday.  I had always dreamed I would be married by the time I was 27, have children by the time I was 29. HA!  That was a dream, because I never really dated anyone, not until I was in grad school....not until I met a sweet, funny catholic boy who swept me off my feet.  I still culd have been married by 27.  But it did not happen and my dream ended. 

 

Dreams are only that, wishes we want, but they are ever changing.  I still want to get married and have children of my own.  But I might have to do things a bit different than I had hoped.  I am much older....will be 38, not in a relationship.  Don't have my period back, don't know if it is coming back (need lot's of prayers for everyone to get it to come back)  YES I want it back, haha.  It is weird to say that, I want my period back, however nice it is not to have it, there are some drawbacks to not having it.  SEX hurts like a Mother.  I love Sex, and it hurts me.  NOT Good!!  Plus, I want kids of my own in 2018 when I can have them, and with out the period I can not have them with out trying to use the eggs I stashed away.  UGH!!  And who knows if that will work!!  :-/

 

 

BUT, regardles, I WILL SURVIVE!!!

 

It's ironic I felt like posting today.  The I will survive.  April 16th  We remember Virginia Tech....We will Survive, The Boston Marathon.....we Will Survive....We will Survive this. 

 

It hurts, it is hard, we struggle.  I struggle.  We all have struggles.  No one knows what others struggle through on a daily basis.  But we all survive.  Don't pass judgement on others pain, on others issues.  You don't know, until you walk in their shoes.

 

I write this to let people know my struggles....

 

I have continued pain in my hands and feet.  Neuropothy, feeling of tightness, numbness, tingling.  I trip because I have no feeling in my feet sometimes.  I get hot flashes so bad I feel like I am burning up and my clothes get drenched ( I am only 37/38).  My boobs are in pain.  The are also very numb. 

 

I have huge medical bills still.  I pay around $750 a month in medical bills.  I will be doing this until October to pay all of them off.  It is crazy.  This does not include the premium.  In addition to all the other normal bills I have.  I have had to work through my treatment just to pay for it.  So sometimes I feel so exhausted.  I have no had a chance to have "fun"

 

I am not going to be able to go to a friends wedding in Washington (the State) can't afford it.  I needed help to pay the federal gov't for my taxes.  I feel like I am drowing....and i work non stop.

 

Gotta go to work....be there till 8pm....

 

 



A Wonderful Surprise....Cancer Free???

SOOO, the 16th of January has come and gone....and I survived the procedure!!!  I had to be at the hospital at 10:30am.  My surgery was supposed to start at 12:30pm.  It however did not start until closer until 2:30/ 3:00pm.  I meet with both Dr. Spear, Dr. Tousimis and their teams prior to the surgery.  Both Dr. Spear and Dr. Tousismis made markings on my breasts.  While waiting felt like it was a "hurry up and wait game having had to be their at 10:30.  I was ready, I was hungry and thirsty...I had not had anything to eat since midnight the night before.  People kept coming and asking me the SAME questions OVER and OVER again....checking my wrist band, making sure I knew my name and birthday. 

Finally The anesthesiologist came. I had to convince her to put the IV in my arm....she wanted to put it in my hand...NO Way was I going to let that happen.  Man they hurt there...and especially with the Neuropathy,it would be killing me.  But she had to put it in the right arm!  SMH, kinda dumb considering I am right handed. 

Another 30 - 40 minutes pass before they take me back for surgery.  I am wheeled back in a wheel chair.  I remember helping myself onto the surgery table and laying down, but that is it.  The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery.  In recovery I am in PAIN, SHARP pain, especially on the right side.  Soon my parents are allowed back into recovery with me, I struggle to stay awake.  While waiting, I get a call from some people checking on me to see how I am doing (thank you) and the nurse gives the information to the room I am being moved to.  I am coming in and out of it, as they are giving me some good pain meds!!  I am then brought upstairs to my room and my parents come with. 

Although it is late and my parents leave, I struggle with sleeping.  I am hungry.  I drink lots of water, do go to the bathroom a few times, but am not given anything to eat except some crackers due to one of the meds I was given.  I am given lots of pain meds, as I had very tight pain, especially on the right side.

My roommate was loud.  She was coughing, her IV was going off twice as many times as mine.  Mine went of each time I bent my arm, which was why I was annoyed they put the IV in the right arm and not the left.  So they taped my arm to an arm board so I would not bend it. I tried to sleep....but that really did not happen.  I think between, the beeping of my machine, my roommates coughing, her beeping machine, the lights coming on on her side, doctors coming in on my side, and the nurses phone ringing, I could sleep 20 min at a time.

By breakfast time I was hungry....but it was nasty...cold SW scrambled eggs, some type of cold potatoes (actually OK), cold oatmeal (nasty), and cranberry and apple juice.  The internists and medical staff from the teams started to come and talk to me.  I also saw Dr. Tousimis.  Everyone looked at the surgery...they said it looked great.  I was told it went great!! 

I was told....when Dr. Tousimis went in to remove the breasts she did not see any cancer and removed extra margins beyond the spot to be extra cautious.  She said I have nice skin too.  I was taught how to drain (fun) the four drains.....they look like little hand grenades filled with red liquid.  Got to come home the day after surgery.  I have pain meds, some antibiotic, and a shot I have to give myself courteous of the hematologist.  (Not to bad, since I am so used to it from the fertility treatments.)

So we have been doing the drains, emptying them out (have four of them)....pain comes and goeson my sides and some in my upper chest area.  I am tired but can't sleep. I think all is going to be good though.

Have an appointment Tuesday with Dr Spear and Thursday with Dr.Tousimis.  Should get the drains out at either of those appointments.  I will find out when I go back with Dr. Spear to get the implants put in.  (I think he said 3 - 4 months, so around my birthday). 

Oh and another wonderful thing has been happening....I have been getting these great cards from all these wonderful people through an organization called "Give a Smile Today."  It is so great to receive cards from all over from a whole bunch of people. 

90% Risk Free

New Boobies = New Beginnings = No More Cancer (hopefully)



So I have not been "blogging" in a long time.  I have not been doing anything worth you all hearing about I guess.  The same ole, same ole.  Working and trying to pay the bills.  November 16th, as you saw in my last blog was my last Chemo treatment!!  YAY!!   I have had 2 treatments of just Herceptin.  Both of those treatments went well.  No side effects from these treatments, however I am still trying to recover from side effects from my first and last two rounds of chemo.

The last two rounds of chemo left me with Neuropathy in my hands and feet.   My hands continue to get numb, tight and stiff throughout the day and night. I loose sensation in my fingers where it is hard to feel things as you normally would.  (It's hard to explain.  I can feel that it's there, but the sensation is different.)    Sometimes my hands also are super cold as well. The pain often extends up through my arm. I have a hard time bending my fingers. These symptoms are worse in the morning and when I wake up.   It really helps when I either massage my hands, have someone else massage my hands or I use a squeeze/ stress ball.  My feet also get numb, sensation is also lost in my feet (much like when your feet falls asleep from sitting on it too long), also it feels like my feet get super hot and super cold, even though the temperature of them has not changed, pain extends up my legs as well.  My ankles crack and toes are sore.

I also am retaining water.  My ankles, legs, face, and body is slightly bloated.  I have been unable to wear my shoes at times.  For one week I had to wear slippers.  I bought Dr. Scholls For Her Fast Flats.  (They look like ballet shoes, but are a little more sturdy.)  Now I can wear shoes again for most of the day, but by the end of the day my feet are swollen again and burning. 

I have been given meds for both....but it is going to take a while for them to help, more so the meds for the Neuropothy.  I was told that rebuilding the nerve cells takes time.  It could be 4 months to a year.  UGH!!! Not Fun!!

 

 

My first treatment as you remember I started to loose my hair....well, it has started to grow back!!  Yay!!  Slowly...but it is growing back.  It is so soft.  I love touching it.  I think it is like 1/4th of an inch.  A few strands may be a bit longer.  I am so ready for it to be longer.  I am still wearing my wigs.

Now let's get to the fun stuff!!  I have gone to my plastic surgeon (at Georgetown), my oncologist, my original breast surgeon, a new breast surgeon (at Georgetown), a hematologist and had a pre-op for surgery.  I had to schedule and meet a new breast surgeon because I wanted to have my plastic surgeon do my reconstructive surgery, and he only practices at Georgetown.  My Breast Surgeon only practices at Fairfax.  I like my new Breast Surgeon.  My Plastic Surgeon (Dr. Scott Spear) recommended my breast surgeon (Eleani Tousimis), also at Georgetown  (she was also just on CBS talking about the #MissUSA who is also going to have a double mastectomy.  I am also scheduled to have an MRI on Sunday at 8:45am.

 

 So the big day is December 16th.  I have to be at Georgetown at 10:30am and my surgery starts at 12:30pm.  I am having a bilateral nipple sparing mastectomy with immediate reconstruction using allerderm (tissue expansion.)  I will have to be in the hospital that night at the minimum; one night more if I need it.  The 18th, in the afternoon, I have a herceptin treatment.  UGH!!  I was told it would take at least a week for me to have tubes which need to have tubes which need to be drained.  Depending on how well I heal, I will try to go back to work after a week, otherwise I will take off more time.  I really can't take off more than a week due to 1.) Needing the money to pay all the bills.  2.) My clients needing me.  I don't want to take more than a week not seeing them.

 

While I am laid up for a week or more, my wonderful co-worker/ boss and office manager are giving me movies (Twilight and several Romantic comedies) and some great full TV series to watch (Big Love and Sex and the City).  Hopefully my girlfriend Denise will be able to come up and take care of me, otherwise my mom will be taking care of me.  I hope to be able to stay at my place, as I want to sleep in my own bed.  It would be so much better!!! While I am laid up, please feel free to contact me, e-mail me or call!!  I would love to hear from you!!

So all of the doctors appointments, the herceptin treatments and the surgery will probably max out my deductible and out of pocket payment for my health insurance right at  the start of January.  My deductible is $2,500 and my out of pocket is $5,000.   Each Herceptin treatment alone is close to $9,000.  I have no idea how much each doctors visit is going to be, how much the MRI will be on the Sunday before the surgery, how much the pre-op appointment will be, nor how much the surgery will be.  But I do know that when I stayed in the hospital last January for my migraine in the ER, the bill was over $8,000.  I am sure this surgery will be way more than that.

 

I will have to pay for my bills up to the first $2500 (my deductible), then I pay 30% of the fees until I reach my out of pocket maximum ($5000).  By the end of January 18th, I think I am going to reach that, and I have NO idea how I am going to pay it!!  I surely do not have that kind of money.   I am still trying to pay back my medical bills from last year, despite all of everyone's help.  I still have several thousands of dollars left to each one.  AYE!!  Also I am going to have to start paying my student loans, which I have been lucky to defer for a long time.  My deferment period is going to end in March and I have no extension time left.  I just want to get out of debt so that I can enjoy life and do fun things.  I want to be able to go on vacation.  I want to be able to not feel guilty for eating out.  I want to not feel guilty if I buy anything that is not a necessity.  I feel like I have to work consistently

so that I can make as much money as I can so I can pay back my bills. Money is always on my mind, and I don't want it to be.  I have the lowest cable, internet, and phone plan possible.  I eat and buy as little as possible.  I rarely buy anything new in regards to clothes or gadgets/ items.  I have not been on a vacation in a long time.  My parents pay/take me to the VT Hokie games.  I save up/ put on my credit card a trip to go see a friends wedding, but do the shortest trip possible and try to do the cheapest way I can.  Hopefully one of these days money won't be as big of an issue and.  Hopefully I can feel like I can save money and feel free to enjoy some life too.

The Next Steps

It has been 11 days since my last cancer treatment!!  YAY!!  I still have neuropothy in my hands and feet, still don't taste things quite so right, and still get an upset stomach.  But I know that will slowly get better in the coming weeks. 

I met with my plastic surgeon to discuss the steps I need to take for the whole "mastectomy/ reconstruction" stuff yesterday.  We discussed that I would have a double nipple sparring mastectomy.  Also because I was not "fat" enough I would have to have implants and have a two step procedure where they would put a expander in first called AlloDerm.  However, due to my plastic surgeon working at Georgetown and my cancer surgeon working at Fairfax I ended up adding an extra step into my procedure.  I have to set up an appointment to see a new cancer surgeon at Georgetown who will do the mastectomy.  This appointment is now set up for Dec 10th.  (Hopefully even though this appointment is that late I can still have the surgery in the month of December.)

I am still seeing my cancer surgeon this Thursday, the 29th as well and letting her know what is happening.  I am sure I will have to get scans to see what happened to the cancer, but I will update you when I know all that. 

Well that is it for now.....just lots of doctors appointments, and lots of craziness!!  I just want it to be over with....but I know, it is an ongoing process....especially with me having to go every three weeks for Herceptin, and taking Tamoxifen for 5 years.

The Final Chemo Treatment

Today I had my Final Chemo Treatment!!!  Yay!!!  These past 3 months have gone by soooo fast! I can not believe it.  I am so excited!!  Just need to get over this one week hump of super bad feelings after the chemo and I can manage the other two weeks before my hair starts to grow back. 

 

 

I have a meeting set up with my plastic surgeon in 10 days, so hopefully by the end of the year that can be taken care of.  I will also have to go back every three weeks for Herceptin, but my oncologist said there is no side effects from this and I can go back to eating and doing all those things I had to stop doing.  (Sushi, manicure pedicures, Indian Buffets, Brunch Buffets, etc)  :-)  And as mentioned my hair will start to grow back!!!  I am so excited to have my hair grow back and see what color and style it comes back as!!

 

I still need to contact my Cancer doctor to see what tests need to be run, and will do that Monday, so hopefully I can get that in before my appointment before my surgeon sees me, so nothing will mess up surgery.  I will let everyone know the plans.  I would like to start off 2013, with a FRESH start!!  Be Cancer Free, with new boobies!!! 

 

Thanks again for everyone's support!! I meet some of you recently who have supported me who are new friends and it is great!!!  Can't wait to meet a few more of you!!  A positive attitude sure has helped a lot!!  It has passed the time and made me forget about the struggles.

 

Here is to a good quick week and three week period until my hair grows back!!  YAY!!!!

 





The Best Defense is a Good Offense

This was the statement I was thinking about as I went to bed last night.  It was a bad football weekend yet again for the Virginia Tech HOKIES, which many of you know I am a proud supporter of, and always will be.  No matter whether they win or lose, I love Virginnia Tech and The HOKIES.  The Hokies Football team in the past and even now has relied on their defense and even one, two, or three really good players.  Infact at one time they had one of the top defenses in the country.  The offensive team as a whole has never been "great."  They will need to step up their game to win a game and to be a better football program overall. 

This statement can be true about life in general.  Offensive = Prevention.  If we look at doing things preventively, then on the back end we won't have to pick up the pieces so much.  If we do more ground work teaching, educating, have better nutrition, exercise, spirituality, cleanliness, vacciness, medical care, etc. people in our country would be healtier, happier and have more and better jobs.  (Not meant to be a political rant.)  Understanding at the same time that to do preventative work may be costly, more work and perhaps stressful at this time because of the circcumstances we are in.  But in the long run it could be woth it.  We have to get over hurdles and obsticles to reach our ultimate goal rather than (putting bandaids on things).  Like My Hokies, maybe to make changes they need to fire a coach or two, which may be a hard thing.  Or it might be having a losing season or two and not going to a a few bowl games, which fans may be upset about.  Or it might be about both in addition to recruiting more players training them and seeing them grow.  But if that is what it takes to build a good offense, and build a good team, then, do it for the outcome, not what pain and agony in the moment.  It's about the long term gains.  Not the immediate losses or the fears of "what ifs."

Sooo.... I say all this....as I have fears...and thoughts about what to do for the future.  On October 2, 3 days leading up to my last treatment, treatment #4, I was given some information to think about how I might want to proceed after chemotherapy was over.   (So what am I talking about you ask?)  Due to insurance reasons don't want to write specifics, but what I can say is that I have a higher liklihood of reoccurance of breast cancer than the general population in the next five years and in my lifetime, as well as a higher risk for ovarian and pancreatic cancer than the general population.  This news hit hit me pretty hard and that is why I have not written. I have been thinking about my options and talking with different people.  But like my title says, "The Best Defense is a Good Offense"   I am choosing to take the offensive strategy.  I have pretty much made up my mind, as soon as I am able to, to have a double masectomy, to lower to risk of reoccurance to the lowest it can possibly be.  I have already seen a wonderful breast plastic surgeon a month or so ago, whom I have known my whole life.  So I am comfortable with him giving me beautiful new breasts. My life is more important than my breasts, as much as I love my breasts.  But it is hard to think that I have to go through all of this and have to lose my breasts too. BUT, I want to live until I am 100.  I want to get married have children and see my grandchildren. I don't need to do that with my original breasts. 

I will try and find out more about the particulars and details about the timeline when I have my appointment with the RN who fills in for my Oncologist on Thursday.

Can I Get a Good Day?

So most of you have not heard from me in the past several days.  I have been very under the weather.  Nauseted, throwing up and headaed to the clinic Monday - Today to get meds and rehydrated, and it is scheduled until Friday.  It all started Sunday afternoon.  I was granted with a great Sat watching the HOKIES lose.  No throwing up last night, but still ubber nauseated!

So that's it my friends.  I have been sick, sleeping or well throwing up.

Half way there.....

Wasn't that in a song?? Haha....My friend Clay wished me well this morning saying just that about the treatment day and it made me smile. I have been thinking about this treatment day all week, wondering what it will bring. How I will handle it. I want to count down the treatment days, but I am also petrified as to the aftermath of each one!! Especially when I have things I want to do afterwards. Like go to Bebe's Birthday Party, Thanksgiving dinner, go to Virginia Tech football games, or GASP, WORK!! Golly Gee!! They are all, well except work, at least week after my treatments. To be honest I love my job again. I have a great woman I work with/ for. A wonderful and sweet office manager. My clients are building up (when they don't cancel or not show up), and we are beginning a peer mediation group from therapists in the area once a month. I feel like my skills as a LCSW are growing and strengthening as is my own self worth and esteem in the process.

I also have a host of new medications and treatment methodoligies to try and beat the nausea, dehaydration, and constipation issues from last week. So hopefully if I can put these in place I will beat the sickness at the head and prevent anything from happeneing!! UGH!! Let's pray I can do this. I always think I am "burdening" people or that it is not that big of a deal. But "I" know they say not to do that. I will try to remember that this time. When I am drinking less....than I already a, drinking less than normal, I should go in and get an IV in the office. So I don't have to wait 7-10 hours in the ER. BC (Before Cancer)I was able to drink 2 - 3 water bottles (24 oz ), and now its about one, maybe a little more.

It's great I have received so many well wishes from people already, it brings tears to my eyes just knowing how loved and thought about I am throughout this whole process. It honestly makes it so much easier to go through. To know you are not alone in this process. I feel bad sometimes that I am not always able to give back to everyone in the same regards as you all are giving to me. I try but sometimes I just do not have the energy. I see what is going on, and silently pray, but It is hard for me to always keep up.

I need prayers for something else. I went to an appt where I am being tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 Mutation. I should know in 1-3 weeks the result. If I am negative for this, it could mean my breast cancer was caused by some other unknown mutation or something they are not sure about. So regular more frequent screening will be the route to go for the future. But If I am positive it could have a host of other implications for me and my family. I am trying not to worry about that now, as the incidence for it is low. I will get into the implications once I know for sure the results. But pray for a negative Mutation for the BRACA1 and BRACA2 Mutation. That would be the best result for me and my family at this point!!!

I love everyone for all of your support, from the smallest hello to the donations of money. Each one is huge to me. They all are important in their own way. I know we all have are own ways of giving and abilities and I welcome them all the time in any ways you have to give. The kids I see, (even though they do not know I have cancer) often draw me pictures, and that is super special in and of itself. I have lots of them still today.

LOVE TO YOU ALL! <3

A trip to the ER can do wonders.

So the ending of my Two Terrible Horrible No good days landed me in the ER, as you all know.  UGH!!!  Fairfax Hospital ER is the epitome of Hospital ER waiting.  It took FOREVER!!  I was checked in at 7:15PM.  And released at 2:05AM.  All for three bags of Saline and two doses of Zofran. 

Lot's of waiting between the triage, then after getting my blood checked, then after getting the first bag of saline before being moved to a room.  Once we were in a room, smooth sailing!!  I saw nurses, techs, and a doctor!!  WOW, he even came in twice!  :-)  The nurses and techs were all super nice once we got to the room.  Gave me and my mom lots of blankets cause it was sooo cold!!  One guy tucked me in like a mummy with four or five of the blankets!  :-) 

Checking out...was told the bill would have been close to $2000.  Thankfully, I have already met my out of pocket, and won't have to pay that.  The two huge payments,  that I already am working on paying off this year and that everyone who has "chipped-in" is also helping me with is enough.  Until the deductible and out of pocket starts again January 1, with my first Herceptin Treatment.

It also helped my spirits seeing all those touching and uplifting words of encouragement for all of you on facebook.  I have such a remarkable group of friends!  Reading everying that everyone wrote, and there were so many of you, they kept pinging my phone made me feel loved.  Made me feel like this:

I really did start to feel a lot better after the first bag of saline and the zofran(I am going to ask my doctor for zofran), but not enough to eat, like my dad kept joking.  You wanna pizza?  Popeye's Chicken?  I was hungry.....my stomach was growing....that had not happened in several days.  But still the thought of food was not appealing.

Tried to go home and took until 5:00AM to sleep.  Slept until 8:30AM.  Went over to mom and dad's and then mom and I went to lunch after she got her hair cut, and then we went back and watched baseball, and football flipping back and forth, while having Popeye's chicken for dinner.  (I got my appetite back). 

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I sometimes am kinda glad I live alone and without anyone.  I don't know.  When I felt as awful as I did yesterday and last night I think I would have been embarrassed by how sick I was to have someone there.  As there really is nothing anyone can do for me.

I was so sick to my stomach, I slept most of the day and then in the evening I was super constipated, along with pain with trying to go to the bathroom all night.  It was a Mess. I was a mess I tell you.  Going back and forth into the bathroom from feeling like I was going to wretch to the other, but that was sooo painful.  And when I felt the need to vomit, it hurt me down there.  I went from cold to hot in a matter of seconds.  I felt dizzy and light headed.  I felt like I was going to die.

Having someone here to see me like that ughh!! I can not imagine.  And what could they do, nothing!  I would want them to take away the pain, but they couldn't.  I would just interrupt any sleep they got. 

Am I better today?  A little but still nauseous.  I got sick a little bit ago when I thought of eating.  NOT good.  :-(

Going on - 2 down.....

SO this is treatment day 2.....UGH!!  So not looking forward to the aftermath.  But knowing the pain and agony the week after is the medicine attacking those cancer cells.  Is a good thing RIGHT??  :-)  I keep picturing and want to draw a picture (although I am not sure I can draw what I picture) medicine soldiers attacking the evil cancer cells.  Killing them dead in their tracks so they can not invade and destroy my body.  They both have fatigues or "uniforms" on with helmets and bayonets and machine guns fighting each other, this bloody war inside of my body.  That is why the good cells get affected too.  That always happens when there is a war.  Everyone is affected. 

I try to stay positive.  I even use my experience in my therapeutic practice when I work with my clients.  One of my clients who I was concerned with sharing that I had cancer I told this past week as she made a comment on my change in "wigs" or hair styles.  Through talking about it and sharing I told her, that sometimes we have to look at the things in our lives that are outside of our control and see what we can learn from them.  We might not understand why these things happen to us, and have a hard time with them, but at the same time we may experience other things we may not have experienced if this thing had not happened and it is something we may have needed to happen.  I shared one thing with her that I had learned so far, and that was learning that I had more people cared about me than I had realized.  SO many of you have shared things that make me tear up and surprise me.  Once such Revelation was from this lady who 8 years ago while I was interning at VT I worked with her.  She "Chiped - in" and helped me, and after sending her a thank you card, she said "it was the least she could do for how much I helped her years ago."  In times like that, with my clients or even friends I don't realize how much I mean to them or what I do to help.  Because I sometimes feel alone and that I am alone and do not have friends or that people care about me.  But through this experience I have learned that there ARE people who care about me and that I have touched other people more then I have realized. I forget about that  because I don't have my friends close by to do things with on a daily basis or once a week.  SO it makes it hard to feel cared about.  Also because most of everyone is at a different stage in their lives than me being married with or without children.

 

 

I also try to stay positive by using my own CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on myself, saying back to my negative thoughts all the alternative positive things.  It does help, it keeps me out of the LOW, LOWS.  But I do get sad.  I know my hair will grow back, that it will be healthier, that I can start all over and keep it healthy.  But seeing it in  abuzz cut is hard.  Knowing the short hair will eventually go too.  UGH, dread that.  I have this ugly scar on my head which makes it worse.  It brings back memories i try to hide from the past and most people don't know about.  It was mostly hidden with my hair and now it is all exposed with the semi-baldness. 

The other question I try to keep at bay, is "why me?"  I have been through so much already.  I have had so much in my life happen to me.  What God do you want me to learn from THIS??  UGH.  I have the belief that "Things happen for a reason." So I am trying to see the good in this.  Trying to see what I can learn and get out of this.  I know there will be...learning about the friends, but there has to be more.  I mean this is a huge thing to learn I have a lot of people who care about me when I have doubt.  What else?  What else can I learn.  Knowing that there is something else, is keeping me positive. 

Well I gotta finish getting ready.  Gotta go kick CANCERS ASS.



Na Na Na Na...Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey....

GOOD BYE.

So last night, was the night.  Eric, my "knight in shinning armor" cut my hair and shaved my head.  It was so traumatic for me.  He was so good about it though.  We set up in my room, I closed the mirror on my vanity so I could not see it being cut off.  I could not look at myself.  I did not want to see it being cut off.  Eric was so gentle.  We saved parts of my hair so I can remember what it looked like for the final time.  Eric told me I looked good when it was all done.  I was thinking he was crazy, as i was sitting there.  He told me that you could see the pattern my hair grows in.  He talked me through the process.  It was cathartic for me to have him being him.  I am glad I asked him to do this for me, rather than go to a salon.  He was super supportive.  He hugged me, and held me when I cried.  He said, "noooo" when I finally looked in the mirror and told him I thought I looked ugly, seeing the buzz cut and seeing the scars from my 6 surgeries.  My buzz hair was soft and spiky just like his.  hehe.  Afterwards, we went to dinner.  I wore a scarf on my head.  It is hard looking at myself with no hair.  I look sick.  I look like a cancer patient.  That scares me.  That upsets me.  I just try to avoid mirrors.  That I am used to. 

 

Can't wait for this to be done with so I can have my hair start to regrow.  I am just ready to kick cancers butt already! 

A little Surprise

So yesterday I actually was thinking i had a great day and was driving home thinking I had a good day and felt accomplished with my clients.  I was going to go to dinner with this guy, who I had gone out with a few times, and had decided I just wanted to be friends with and felt good about that. I was looking forward to being able to get out of the house, especially since I had had such a good day at work.

I get home and unlock the door, when i push in the door I see a package.  At first I was a little stunned and was like, why is their a package in my home, who had access?  But then I remembered they were coming to clean the HVac and maybe the maintenance guy came after the package had been dropped off and he brought it in. 

Well I was beside my self when I opened it to find these totally thoughtful gifts from three of my sorority sisters.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I was speechless.  I am so overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and love people have for me.  Just the little things people are doing is so appreciated.

I love Marykay Satin Lips!! I have run out so perfect timing!!  Sock Monkey is AWESOME, he will be coming with me to Treatment "SOCK" it to Cancer.  The scarf is soo Beautiful.  I have strated to use the notebook to keep track of everyone of you generous people and your addresses. As well as it will be a place where I will write and play dots with my mom on treatment days or write feelings ow what not.  Nail Polish ROCKS.  OH and the pens, black Gel pens, SWEET!!  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them!!

So on treatment days I will have a nice collection of things that will make my treatment spiritually uplifting.  People will probably think I am CRAZY!!!  But I will be bringing  The Sock Monkey,
this bear my brother and sister and law gave me, and this bald headed doll Lori gave me, along with my HOKIE Snuggie, as it gets soo cold in there, and I am always sooo cold I need to wrap myself up.  I tend to wear a sweatshirt and have the blanket on to stay warm. 

Hear is a picture of the three (doll, monkey and bear who will accompany me on my journey.....)

Hair, My Glorious Hair......

So "THE" day has finally come.  I know it would.  I have been anxiously awaiting it.  The oncologist was correct.  I have finally started to lose my hair. The hair on my legs I can pull out with no pain whatsoever... it will just basically fall out.

I was brushing my hair and then ran my hand through my hair and pulled a small little group of about 10 hairs out.  More than you normally get when you lose your hair running your hand through it. 

Me being the sentimental one....is putting the strands from my head into a folder to then transfer to an envelope.  (the last of my hair.)   I have an envelope from "my last haircut,"  which was ever so traumatic.

I am scared to go to bed, b/c I am afraid I am going to wake up with no hair.  I "know" this is not going to happen, BUT that us the image I have in my head.

I am glad I LOVE my wigs.  It helps so much.   I now have 5 very different wigs to wear. 

Eric and I are going to do a "fun with wigs" photo shoot over a few days at some point when we can coordinate our schedules and the way I feel. I will wear different outfits, the same ones with the different wigs in different settings.  And we will do some with my with no hair.  After I edit and process the photo shoot I will post the results of our work and Eric's photo work.  He is an amazing photographer!!  I trust him to do a great job and to have fun with me with this process.  I am already thinking of Business with a skirt and pants, casual with jeans, casual spring/ fall, casual summer, casual winter, formal, Virginia Tech outfit, and one in a bikini.  Any other suggestions??  Anything anyone wants to see?

Another Monday

So I have been feeling much better the later part of this week.  It was rough, Sunday - Wednesday.  I think I have my schedule down. Day of treatment, (Friday), Sat are a little bad, Sunday increasingly bad, and Monday and Tuesday are my worst days. Wednesday and Thursday I am starting to feel better, with Friday and Saturday even better, as Sunday and so forth.  Still having some nausea, but not in the same intensity, still have the dry mouth and mouth sore but the intensity is like a 5% as apposed to 90%-110%.

I wanted to Thank TEAM Jenna for helping me get through this!!  Those of you have sent words of encouragement. Who called who were here with me.  Those of you who sent money!!  Thank you everyone.  I was able to pay off one of my bills!!  YAY!  Sent in the money!  I feel so Relieved!!  I am sending in a payment for another bill today.  To knock off some of it for one of the $3100.  This is so wonderful for you to help me.  It just makes it easier knowing that I can make the monthly payments and still have a life.  I don't have to "just" pay medical bills.  Because that is what stresses me out.  That I have to not do anything but pay bills, not buy anything, do anything go anywhere, just pay bills.  I am hoping that with your help I can do a little of both, but not to the excess.  Just once in a while do something for me, so I can get better and feel good, so I am not stressed.  I save all your money specifically for the medical bills.  When the bills come in I transfer it over to pay.  And combine it with what I have.  It makes it so helpful.  It makes my budgeting so much easier.

Chugging Along

Writting this early cause I can't sleep.  one of the side effects of the drugs....as well as one of my many "isses" 

I am keeping my head up, as much as I can say.  I was going to try and post on Tuesday, my first day back at work, but it was a miserable day back at work and I have been going to bed at 9:00pm.  The mantra I had was "It's all in your head," "You can get through this."  My stomach was weak, achy, nauseous, and crampy.  I was feeling like I was needing to have to go to the bathroom every 20 min or so.  I was sitting with my clients and, smiling, in pain, as my stomach was in pain. 

So for next treatment week Tuesdays after, will be a light day. 

Over all so far, I have mostly been Nauseous, crampy, not really feeling the need to eat ( I have been eating though), hard to get comfortable, have had a hard time sleeping, especially tonight, can't sleep worth a darn, dry mouth dry lips, some sore muscles, and headaches.  (are the headaches different than my migraines??)

I have also been watching the dogs again, so its been nice to have them here to keep me company.  To keep me busy.  They came over Tuesday night.  They get me out of the house to exercise.  Which I need.  Ohhh tummy is calling again.

I survived!!

I survived Day 1 (Round 1) of  my chemo treatment.  It went well.  Mom and dad took me.  I felt good overall when I came home.  My brother and sister-in law came to visit and spent time with me.  It was nice.  I talked with my friends Eric and Denise on the phone.   And e-mailed all of you nice people who surprised me with your generosity! 

Saturday I was feeling pretty good too.  A little tired.  I had to go back and get my Neulasta shot.  Almost got my Luperon Shot (My insurance company approved it late Friday night --it should have been approved Friday ) But they could not get access to it, so will call Monday to try and go in that day to get the shot. 

S0 over all yesterday I was a little tired, and a little nauseous, I took the pills for nausea twice.  I went on two of my 3 walks I was supposed to take for 10 of the 15 min.  But I do not think that is bad considering I don't ever really exercise.  (hehe)  Also my mouth is constantly dry, so I have been rinsing it with Act Mouth was for Dry mouth and it helps, as well as drinking water.  Also I am a little sore, like muscle soreness. 

This morning, still a little tired, not really hungry, but then again I am never hungry.  I always have to force my self to eat.  BUT I know it is more important than ever to eat now.  SO I am going to force my self to.  I am going to get some yogurt with granola. 

Not sure what else to expect, but I am good.  Thanks everyone!!

What a Day!!!

This is Sasha - My Brother and sister-in-laws dog She is adorable. 
Got to watch her last weekend and I might get to watch her next weekend.  Her "sister"
no relation came to.  They like to cuddle, play and sleep.  Her sister likes to cause "trouble"  Which is
why I gave her the nickname "Trouble"  I added this picture to this blog, because this blog was about undying love
and support and caring and these dogs give it too.  Helped me unwind. Perfect Picture for the love I felt from everyone
unselfish, and very straight from the heart.

I was never to expect the love and support I received from so many people today...and it all came from me ranting and raving this morning frustrated with my financial situation due to my bills that have resulted from this "Cancer" and my Migraines.  Like I said I just can not catch a break in the financial department with my medical issues.  My insurance company just sucks....and due to having to have my own, and being denied from a pretty good one when my Cora was up in February 2011, I had to get this sub par insurance with crazy deductible, co-insurance, and co-pay for all visits after the deductible being met (30% of allowable charge until your out of pocket is met.)  CRAZY! 

On top of it, I work with Insurance companies, who are back-logged and have out-standing payments owed to me for clients I have seen in March, April, May, June, and July...well and of course the two days in August.  SMH!!  So that is a big reason I am stressed with the money situation.  I never know what I am going to get paid, when, but the bills keep coming in, and need to be paid.  Not to mention when January rolls around my deducible starts over again and I may need surgery, radiation, and I will have to continue to receive on of the cancer infusion drugs ever 3 weeks until Next August.

BuuuuT let me get to the love part and get away from the stress part.  I was sitting in the pretty nice infusion chair (well as nice as they can be.) The are semi reclinable...push back and legs lift up.  I brought my down pillow, and my hokie snuggie.  I did not put my arms in the sleeves...but I did cover my legs up.  My nurse who took care of me, said she wanted to have me because her daughter went to TECH, and said Once a HOKIE always a HOKIE, and knew I would be cool.  :-) :-) ;-) there.

So chatting with my mom, having a snack or too.  I was checking my e-mail and they were links to something I did not quite understand.  Then I was like...urg?  twisted me head until I read what LORI had written.  She made tears build up in my eyes, at the sheer generosity and sheer kindness she had thought about in doing this.  Lori, as she/ you had said we are kindred spirits. 

Lori and I meet, over 10 years ago at a HOKIE tailgate via a guy I "dated" whom was was a mutual friend of many of my guy friends in the HT's.  She has always had a great big heart and always been doing super special things for those she cares about.  I meet several other wonderful ladies through her and for a few years when we all were around we did lots of "fun" girl things."  OHHH I miss those days.....

Lori Started this Page for me, to help raise money to help me out with my financial obligations so I did not need to be stressed about it.  http://lorihokie.blogspot.com/2012/08/blog-post.html  Like I said I was in shock.  But what came more in shock, an still is in shock to me...is how many people are actually donating and the amount at which you are donating.   I know everyone is struggling these days and everyone has it tight.  Don't feel pressured in any way.  I would love to hang out with you or spend time doing something for "free" like a museum, or go hiking, or phone calls or whatever.  But it is awesome to see people do things like this with people I have not spoken to in a long time, and with people I see once or twice a year or with people I have never meet but on facebook.  I would love to meet you!!  If I don't have a mailing address be expecting an e-mail from me to get your address to thank you.  Because you made me day!!  Everyone who has helped out has made my day!

My stress has lowered so I can concentrate on getting better and resting, so I can concentrate on my clients who have so many problems, anxiety, depression, marriage issues, parenting problems, behavior problem, suicidal problems, drinking problems, etc.  I want to be at my best s I can give them the best.  Because that is what makes me feel  the best.

I want to feel less stress so I can want to want to take pictures....I love taking pictures...but have lacked the energy, from this and just trying to get life squared away. 

So everyone.  GOD BLESS.  Cancer was the last thing I wanted, but it surely showed me that I am loved and how much love and support people truly give to their friends and supportive network when in need.

I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU.  AND A BIG SPECIAL HUG to LORI for not only doing this, giving me earrings, the t-shirts....but she also got me a True Hope Moxi girl (which in time I will get a pic of) who has a bald head, to cheer me on my journey!!

I love you Lori!!!

The Big Day is Finally Here UGH!!!

Me getting ready at home...

It seemed so far away and now it is here.  As I sit here and type this morning getting ready...well before I get ready...as I get ready...it starts off at 6:45.  I have a slight headache.  I did have this one a little last night....

Eric went with to have my last sushi at Red Curry in Old Town Alexandria.  It was pretty good.  I was disappointed in the Spicy Tuna.  But everything else was good.  Why can't Spicy Tuna have real Tuna and just be spicy.  Not mashed up mush??

My parents are picking me up at 10, so I have about 3 hours to get ready and pack up some things.  That kinda stress me out.  Why does it feel like I need to make sure I "bring" enough stuff like I am "packing for a trip."  I guess I just don't want to be "bored."  Especially since I know I have to be there for 5 1/2 hours and I don't really know what to expect this time around.

So It's now 8:34 and I paid some bills with the money I do NOT have.  Have to ask for some money this month from the parentals to help pay for my rent.  I have not had to do that for the last two months, and I loved!!!! that. I was finally feeling like I was getting back on my feet, and then BAM!!  Damn it!!  I have bills I can't pay for almost $900 worth, had to keep my student loan still on deferment, uh what's it now, going on 2 1/2 years now, and have two $3000 hospital bills I pay monthly installments to.  It's Like UGH!!!  I actually am worried something is wrong with my truck, so please pray that there is nothing wrong because I seriously can NOT pay to get it fixed!!! 

I did also get some lovely support from a lovely friend and her husband.  It was so thoughtful and wonderfully appreciated.  The gift will help so much because it just makes me know that you two know how much I need the boost.  Everything you guys have done, especially you Lori has been wonderful.  They words, the earrings, the shirts and the extra gift that John thought of.  Not necessary but GREATLY appreciated!!! 

So now I am working on packing some snacks for me and my mom and dad, as my dad if I am up to it will get lunch.  I have carrot sticks, apple wedges, apple sauce, yogurt, jello, pudding, and cheese its.  And water of course. 

So now Just ready for mom and Dad.  Will update there. 

Mom is bringing me the 50 Shades of Gray Books to read.  I will try my Hand at them.. She has read the first two.  So we will see.  HAHA.  I will have my phone.  I may sleep I am tired. I am bringing a pillow and my HOKIE snuggie.  I also am bringing a Teddie bear.  Go figure.

Love you all and thanks for being supportive all of you from near and far!!

Slightly Disappointing News...But Countered it with a Good afternoon!

Got a call from the Nurse at the fertility place and they were only able to freeze 5 of the 6 eggs they retrieved.  Not sure why...did not ask...but I that is not a big deal.  Like a friend said, "it only takes one."  And this IS only supposed to be my BACK up. I am hoping I won't NEED to use them at ALL. :-)

So today I had my LAST Indian buffet, for 4 1/2 months.  I will greatly miss them!!  I can't have any sort of buffets, or professional manicures/ pedicures (which I got my last one of those on Saturday.) Sushi, or any raw meat. until after Chemotherapy is finished.  So hopefully someone will have Sushi with me one more time before Friday.  :-)  I have had it several times in the last two weeks.  LOVE it!!  haha!!