Going on - 2 down.....

SO this is treatment day 2.....UGH!!  So not looking forward to the aftermath.  But knowing the pain and agony the week after is the medicine attacking those cancer cells.  Is a good thing RIGHT??  :-)  I keep picturing and want to draw a picture (although I am not sure I can draw what I picture) medicine soldiers attacking the evil cancer cells.  Killing them dead in their tracks so they can not invade and destroy my body.  They both have fatigues or "uniforms" on with helmets and bayonets and machine guns fighting each other, this bloody war inside of my body.  That is why the good cells get affected too.  That always happens when there is a war.  Everyone is affected. 

I try to stay positive.  I even use my experience in my therapeutic practice when I work with my clients.  One of my clients who I was concerned with sharing that I had cancer I told this past week as she made a comment on my change in "wigs" or hair styles.  Through talking about it and sharing I told her, that sometimes we have to look at the things in our lives that are outside of our control and see what we can learn from them.  We might not understand why these things happen to us, and have a hard time with them, but at the same time we may experience other things we may not have experienced if this thing had not happened and it is something we may have needed to happen.  I shared one thing with her that I had learned so far, and that was learning that I had more people cared about me than I had realized.  SO many of you have shared things that make me tear up and surprise me.  Once such Revelation was from this lady who 8 years ago while I was interning at VT I worked with her.  She "Chiped - in" and helped me, and after sending her a thank you card, she said "it was the least she could do for how much I helped her years ago."  In times like that, with my clients or even friends I don't realize how much I mean to them or what I do to help.  Because I sometimes feel alone and that I am alone and do not have friends or that people care about me.  But through this experience I have learned that there ARE people who care about me and that I have touched other people more then I have realized. I forget about that  because I don't have my friends close by to do things with on a daily basis or once a week.  SO it makes it hard to feel cared about.  Also because most of everyone is at a different stage in their lives than me being married with or without children.

 

 

I also try to stay positive by using my own CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on myself, saying back to my negative thoughts all the alternative positive things.  It does help, it keeps me out of the LOW, LOWS.  But I do get sad.  I know my hair will grow back, that it will be healthier, that I can start all over and keep it healthy.  But seeing it in  abuzz cut is hard.  Knowing the short hair will eventually go too.  UGH, dread that.  I have this ugly scar on my head which makes it worse.  It brings back memories i try to hide from the past and most people don't know about.  It was mostly hidden with my hair and now it is all exposed with the semi-baldness. 

The other question I try to keep at bay, is "why me?"  I have been through so much already.  I have had so much in my life happen to me.  What God do you want me to learn from THIS??  UGH.  I have the belief that "Things happen for a reason." So I am trying to see the good in this.  Trying to see what I can learn and get out of this.  I know there will be...learning about the friends, but there has to be more.  I mean this is a huge thing to learn I have a lot of people who care about me when I have doubt.  What else?  What else can I learn.  Knowing that there is something else, is keeping me positive. 

Well I gotta finish getting ready.  Gotta go kick CANCERS ASS.