The Best Defense is a Good Offense

This was the statement I was thinking about as I went to bed last night.  It was a bad football weekend yet again for the Virginia Tech HOKIES, which many of you know I am a proud supporter of, and always will be.  No matter whether they win or lose, I love Virginnia Tech and The HOKIES.  The Hokies Football team in the past and even now has relied on their defense and even one, two, or three really good players.  Infact at one time they had one of the top defenses in the country.  The offensive team as a whole has never been "great."  They will need to step up their game to win a game and to be a better football program overall. 

This statement can be true about life in general.  Offensive = Prevention.  If we look at doing things preventively, then on the back end we won't have to pick up the pieces so much.  If we do more ground work teaching, educating, have better nutrition, exercise, spirituality, cleanliness, vacciness, medical care, etc. people in our country would be healtier, happier and have more and better jobs.  (Not meant to be a political rant.)  Understanding at the same time that to do preventative work may be costly, more work and perhaps stressful at this time because of the circcumstances we are in.  But in the long run it could be woth it.  We have to get over hurdles and obsticles to reach our ultimate goal rather than (putting bandaids on things).  Like My Hokies, maybe to make changes they need to fire a coach or two, which may be a hard thing.  Or it might be having a losing season or two and not going to a a few bowl games, which fans may be upset about.  Or it might be about both in addition to recruiting more players training them and seeing them grow.  But if that is what it takes to build a good offense, and build a good team, then, do it for the outcome, not what pain and agony in the moment.  It's about the long term gains.  Not the immediate losses or the fears of "what ifs."

Sooo.... I say all this....as I have fears...and thoughts about what to do for the future.  On October 2, 3 days leading up to my last treatment, treatment #4, I was given some information to think about how I might want to proceed after chemotherapy was over.   (So what am I talking about you ask?)  Due to insurance reasons don't want to write specifics, but what I can say is that I have a higher liklihood of reoccurance of breast cancer than the general population in the next five years and in my lifetime, as well as a higher risk for ovarian and pancreatic cancer than the general population.  This news hit hit me pretty hard and that is why I have not written. I have been thinking about my options and talking with different people.  But like my title says, "The Best Defense is a Good Offense"   I am choosing to take the offensive strategy.  I have pretty much made up my mind, as soon as I am able to, to have a double masectomy, to lower to risk of reoccurance to the lowest it can possibly be.  I have already seen a wonderful breast plastic surgeon a month or so ago, whom I have known my whole life.  So I am comfortable with him giving me beautiful new breasts. My life is more important than my breasts, as much as I love my breasts.  But it is hard to think that I have to go through all of this and have to lose my breasts too. BUT, I want to live until I am 100.  I want to get married have children and see my grandchildren. I don't need to do that with my original breasts. 

I will try and find out more about the particulars and details about the timeline when I have my appointment with the RN who fills in for my Oncologist on Thursday.

Hair, My Glorious Hair......

So "THE" day has finally come.  I know it would.  I have been anxiously awaiting it.  The oncologist was correct.  I have finally started to lose my hair. The hair on my legs I can pull out with no pain whatsoever... it will just basically fall out.

I was brushing my hair and then ran my hand through my hair and pulled a small little group of about 10 hairs out.  More than you normally get when you lose your hair running your hand through it. 

Me being the sentimental one....is putting the strands from my head into a folder to then transfer to an envelope.  (the last of my hair.)   I have an envelope from "my last haircut,"  which was ever so traumatic.

I am scared to go to bed, b/c I am afraid I am going to wake up with no hair.  I "know" this is not going to happen, BUT that us the image I have in my head.

I am glad I LOVE my wigs.  It helps so much.   I now have 5 very different wigs to wear. 

Eric and I are going to do a "fun with wigs" photo shoot over a few days at some point when we can coordinate our schedules and the way I feel. I will wear different outfits, the same ones with the different wigs in different settings.  And we will do some with my with no hair.  After I edit and process the photo shoot I will post the results of our work and Eric's photo work.  He is an amazing photographer!!  I trust him to do a great job and to have fun with me with this process.  I am already thinking of Business with a skirt and pants, casual with jeans, casual spring/ fall, casual summer, casual winter, formal, Virginia Tech outfit, and one in a bikini.  Any other suggestions??  Anything anyone wants to see?

What a Day!!!

This is Sasha - My Brother and sister-in-laws dog She is adorable. 
Got to watch her last weekend and I might get to watch her next weekend.  Her "sister"
no relation came to.  They like to cuddle, play and sleep.  Her sister likes to cause "trouble"  Which is
why I gave her the nickname "Trouble"  I added this picture to this blog, because this blog was about undying love
and support and caring and these dogs give it too.  Helped me unwind. Perfect Picture for the love I felt from everyone
unselfish, and very straight from the heart.

I was never to expect the love and support I received from so many people today...and it all came from me ranting and raving this morning frustrated with my financial situation due to my bills that have resulted from this "Cancer" and my Migraines.  Like I said I just can not catch a break in the financial department with my medical issues.  My insurance company just sucks....and due to having to have my own, and being denied from a pretty good one when my Cora was up in February 2011, I had to get this sub par insurance with crazy deductible, co-insurance, and co-pay for all visits after the deductible being met (30% of allowable charge until your out of pocket is met.)  CRAZY! 

On top of it, I work with Insurance companies, who are back-logged and have out-standing payments owed to me for clients I have seen in March, April, May, June, and July...well and of course the two days in August.  SMH!!  So that is a big reason I am stressed with the money situation.  I never know what I am going to get paid, when, but the bills keep coming in, and need to be paid.  Not to mention when January rolls around my deducible starts over again and I may need surgery, radiation, and I will have to continue to receive on of the cancer infusion drugs ever 3 weeks until Next August.

BuuuuT let me get to the love part and get away from the stress part.  I was sitting in the pretty nice infusion chair (well as nice as they can be.) The are semi reclinable...push back and legs lift up.  I brought my down pillow, and my hokie snuggie.  I did not put my arms in the sleeves...but I did cover my legs up.  My nurse who took care of me, said she wanted to have me because her daughter went to TECH, and said Once a HOKIE always a HOKIE, and knew I would be cool.  :-) :-) ;-) there.

So chatting with my mom, having a snack or too.  I was checking my e-mail and they were links to something I did not quite understand.  Then I was like...urg?  twisted me head until I read what LORI had written.  She made tears build up in my eyes, at the sheer generosity and sheer kindness she had thought about in doing this.  Lori, as she/ you had said we are kindred spirits. 

Lori and I meet, over 10 years ago at a HOKIE tailgate via a guy I "dated" whom was was a mutual friend of many of my guy friends in the HT's.  She has always had a great big heart and always been doing super special things for those she cares about.  I meet several other wonderful ladies through her and for a few years when we all were around we did lots of "fun" girl things."  OHHH I miss those days.....

Lori Started this Page for me, to help raise money to help me out with my financial obligations so I did not need to be stressed about it.  http://lorihokie.blogspot.com/2012/08/blog-post.html  Like I said I was in shock.  But what came more in shock, an still is in shock to me...is how many people are actually donating and the amount at which you are donating.   I know everyone is struggling these days and everyone has it tight.  Don't feel pressured in any way.  I would love to hang out with you or spend time doing something for "free" like a museum, or go hiking, or phone calls or whatever.  But it is awesome to see people do things like this with people I have not spoken to in a long time, and with people I see once or twice a year or with people I have never meet but on facebook.  I would love to meet you!!  If I don't have a mailing address be expecting an e-mail from me to get your address to thank you.  Because you made me day!!  Everyone who has helped out has made my day!

My stress has lowered so I can concentrate on getting better and resting, so I can concentrate on my clients who have so many problems, anxiety, depression, marriage issues, parenting problems, behavior problem, suicidal problems, drinking problems, etc.  I want to be at my best s I can give them the best.  Because that is what makes me feel  the best.

I want to feel less stress so I can want to want to take pictures....I love taking pictures...but have lacked the energy, from this and just trying to get life squared away. 

So everyone.  GOD BLESS.  Cancer was the last thing I wanted, but it surely showed me that I am loved and how much love and support people truly give to their friends and supportive network when in need.

I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU.  AND A BIG SPECIAL HUG to LORI for not only doing this, giving me earrings, the t-shirts....but she also got me a True Hope Moxi girl (which in time I will get a pic of) who has a bald head, to cheer me on my journey!!

I love you Lori!!!

Daily Meditation

The Hokie Bird always makes me smile.....Think Positive!! HOKIE Strong!!!

My mom gave me this book the other day, that someone gave to her it is called "A Woman's Spirit More Meditations for Women" by: Karen Casey. 
I finally sat down to read it, and want to post parts of what I read and my thoughts on it.  Being a LCSW and giving advice everyday, or nearly everyday to my clients, helps me to put my life into perspective and has helped me grow stronger.  Where I was at 10, 18, 20, 25, 30, and even two weeks ago have changed.  Much because of my life's experiences, what I feel has been thrown at me, how I have dealt with it and from the support of people around me.

I could #1 never ask for better parents and brother than the ones I have.  They have always been by my side.  I have heard and seen many parents that have not been as supportive as mine and it hurts.  My parents have had a rough time due to things that have happened to me.  They are strong to.  I love them so much.  I will say this over and over again I am sure in my blog.  Despite the times I am mean and ugly to them, maybe seem like I don't care, I do. 

Becoming a social worker, despite not making a lot of money and being poor and constantly struggling with money has brought me much insight into my life and also has given me an opportunity to nurture and change the lives of others.  Just yesterday, a child I had worked with posted this.. {Having a child is the greatest blessing I have ever received. Not only was it a blessing having my son, it was a savior. Before I had gotten pregnant, I was a trouble maker,When I found out I was pregnant, I had stopped everything. The time I had my son, the feeling of wanting to do things I used to do faded, Not to mention I had a perfectly healthy baby. He was 7lbs and 14oz To this day, I know God was looking out for me. If I had never gotten pregnant, I will still be getting in trouble , I have been blessed. Having my son has given me every reason to love, live, and be happy. Happy 6th birthday Anthony I love you more than anything ♥}  She has countless times told me that I was her second mother that I supported her.  She wrote this to me, and it broke my heart. {I love you too Jenna Duffy , thank you because when everyone gave up on me you did not !! I'm so thankful god put you in my life ♥ }  To have you know, this young lady got her HS diploma, went back and got her Nursing Certificate and now is attending college.  She is married and has three beautiful sons. 

There are many others that have touched my heart, she was one of my first I worked with in Foster care and I am so glad I made a difference in her life, because she has made a difference in mine.

By helping people, especially now that I am in private practice I am really using all of the skills I have know and tell my clients to use everyday and "it really works!!" I wish I would have believed it sooner and stuck with it.  I am using a book I bought for myself when I was a senior in college...and if I had only stuck with it....I might have saved myself some pain and begun to believe in myself sooner.  (Therapy takes awhile, change takes awhile.  When you don't believe in yourself, changing that takes a while.)  I have my good days, I have my bad days.  But I am getting there.

Soooo back to this book....

The quote at the bottom of the book stated: {I will show God my appreciation for the gift of addiction and sobriety but caring the message through my behavior today.}  So after reading the passage about a woman who is struggling with her new found addiction diagnosis and the changes and how that is going to affect her, I thought it was kind of apperpo to me and my recent Cancer diagnosis.  How can I appreciate this "gift" God has given me.  What positives can I take from it.  There are always positives right?  I do think there are if we look hard enough.  I have found that I am as strong as I think I am.  That I have more friends than I thought I did.  That regardless of what happens.  I am going to make the best of it and the changes that need to happen.  (I need to work out, change me eating habits, go out and enjoy life more, and be more positive.)  All of these are positive.  So today I am going to carry that message....there are positives....and I am going to remember them on the darker days.